And the Tony goes to.....

Last night the Tony Awards were presented in NYC. I sat glued to my television for almost four hours. I have been blessed to see a lot of theatre this year. I knew the shows, the songs, the performances.

I saw "Matilda" in London. I wept. I laughed. I gasped at the stunts. Here's why it gets me...."just because life's not fair it doesn't mean you have to grin and bear it, if you always take it on the chin and bare it, nothing will change. Nobody else is gonna turn it right for me, nobody but ME is gonna change my story." See that is a month of Al-Anon meetings in one song.  Just read it again & let it seep into your being.

I saw "Kinky Boots" with the Fab Four no-longer runners running group. This is basically a story of forgiveness and reconciliation. It's the coming to face that sometimes we think others need forgiving but really, we are the. Ones who need forgiving.

I love the theatrical arts. I played show tunes for my babies at two. They all sing beautifully. I don't. They get acting. I like to think I do. Many times people say I'm a great stage mom. I don't like that. I can't live through my girls on stage because those aren't my gifts. But do I show up? Do I cheer loudly? Oh you bet. I love they sing a line from a show to answer any question or finish a thought.

I want to live in NYC for a season. It's hard because I have this core belief that once you have kids your choices and dreams are limited to their precious lives.  O e of my BFF's said I had the best of both worlds- here and NYC. She is right. I wouldn't take anything for this community that has shaped our family but man, these vagabond blues....,

So I sing a little louder today. I smile at someone not like me at all and speak. How could you not love the Tony's????? Don't we all just kinda shine????

My decreasing value

Lately I have been an Instagram & Facebook fiend to share pictures of my travels with my out of town peeps. I enjoyed the comments and the love but it hit me like a freezing shower when I posted the following quote: "your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth".

It obviously hit a chord. Everyone obviously has a story.

I love my friends. I sometimes stare at the amazing, eclectic batch of people who make up my "innermost circle" and cannot believe these people love me.  The one hushed secret that really is not that secret is several of these people do not share my faith, my political views, my sexuality.  And the sometimes frightening thing is the people who do not share my faith sometimes love me better than those who do. It has made me think. As it started to really harden my heart, John Stroud made a startlingly clear observation: I have a large circle that if I go down, they will show up. That's the blessing- they all would show up. Regardless of our differences- they show up.

It still unsettles me that sometimes the "evangelicals" shoot their own wounded more than any other group. Does it mean they all do? No. I guess I have set them up to a higher standard but my core belief is we are all lost and all in this mess together so therefore, they shouldn't behave any differently. So maybe my vision is part of my issue.

I saw Alan Cumming do "Macbeth" solo on stage. He could convey all those characters in under two hours. It was amazing. I'm an obsessed fan. But there's my point: we all play characters and we all are capable of turning on a dime.  That includes me.

"Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality". Let's all say a hearty amen.

The end of wanderlusty mommy

The past two years have been unusual in my travel world. I've gone places and done things I never thought I would.  Recently a mutual Facebook friend of mine and big girl number one mentioned some of Annabanana 's pix made her all wanderlusty.  It got me thinking.

I thought at eighteen I needed to go far away, be different, see the world. I was wrong. I went to the school down the road that changed my life for good. The people I needed where there, not a world away.

My two big girls have been far away and doing exciting things. People constantly ask if I'm so proud or if I'm scared. Both are true but I'm more proud. Allow me this on Mother's Day, it's not where they have been or what they are "doing with their lives" that makes me proud, what makes me proud is the women they are, the way they love each other, have each others' backs and cheer each other on to big things. Today at lunch they went around telling me why they loved me. Tay admitted she didn't want to say in youth group "my mom teaches yoga and is hip". We all laughed. I loved it. Annabanana said she loves how I go into attack mode if someone is mean to her. Beebs said I'm just so caring and there. Sal misses me. My girls have fulfilled my old wanderlusty desires on so many levels.

Recently someone told me several reasons why they could not, nor wanted to be my friend. It's a hard pill to swallow.  I keep saying all the Al-Anon things I know to be true (someone's opinion of you does not make it your reality,etc,etc). Today I saw my life, my loves, my story and it was good. It was safe. It was true.

Whenever any Stroud mentions our NYC Elizabeth, everyone says "I love her so much". She suggested a movie. "Safety Not Guaranteed". Watch it. There is a quote in the end that summed this all up to me. My girls. John Stroud. My travels. Meeting Alan Cumming (I'm his biggest fan if you didn't know). My story. And this is it-

"To go it alone or to go it with a partner....when you choose a partner you have compromises & sacrifices, but it is a price you pay. Do I want to follow every whim & desire I have as I make my way through time & space? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, do I need someone who when it gets hot has my back? I do."

Wanderlust came at the right time, as did the right peeps.

Collision of Two Worlds

I just returned from a week long visit to my big girl in London. I am proud of all my girls for very different reasons but this girl, wow, this girl. She has become a Londoner. She knows the hotspots. She found a church with locals who love Jesus and love socialism. She is her own person. She loves theatre and it ROCKS there.

Yes I met Helen Mirren after her incredible play. Yes we saw Matilda. Yes we saw amazing art and markets and stayed up late and laughed. But she is my best thing tonight because she gets loving theatre for arts sake, loving having homosexual friends, a good ale, oh AND Jesus.

We saw a live Passion Play in Trafalgar Square. I wept. Jesus walking through the crowd. Healing. Compassion. Warmth. Big girl called it the collision of two worlds. Yes. Yes. And isn't life?

Sweet Beth always said we raised girls that are the girls we wish we had been at that age. Here's the heart of the matter- she said she had become me. Whoa. No. Collision. She is so wise and fun and free and alive. I still get scared. A friend's strong opinion makes me second guess who I am for a moment. Then I remember "no one is gonna write my story". That's Matilda folks. (It's in NYC now and RUN RUN to NYC and see it).

It is a collision. I have wanted these four amazing girls to be comfortable in their own skin and then this beautiful girl says she likes wearing mine.

Breathe in. Breathe out. This collision isn't hurting quite so bad....

Big girl number 2 conquers NYC like she's always lived there. Number three flips and is a baby whisperer. Number four takes incredible photos and writes.

John Stroud loves big.

Colliding now feels ok......

Fiddler on the Roof and mental illness...

I turned on the tv this afternoon on Turner Classic Movies and low and behold, Fiddler was on. Three years ago all four girls were in the amazing CCS production. Big girl number one was  Golde. It's my favorite classical musical.  Baby girl even started watching it with me. It's "our" musical- all girls, a REAL marriage, pain, faith.

It got me thinking about why art speaks to me....like why I'm obsessed with Silver Linings.  Those who hold me up & are in my innermost circle know I have a depressive disorder. The exact diagnosis is cyclothymia which basically means my thyroid is involved & I am one step removed from the mildest form of bipolar disorder. So basically my moods swing sometimes. I love Silver Linings showed the truth & the hope. This weekend has been a big "up" and I want to share aspects of it incase you know someone who struggles with any form, no matter how mild, of mental illness.

My Nancy showed up with yellow roses and yellow EVERYTHING to bring sunshine to me but also to acknowledge the sunshine I bring her & others. When you struggle to maintain a socially acceptable level of "up" and someone acknowledges you for that, it's huge, life giving and affirming.

Both big girls randomly sent messages vis varying social medians to proclaim their love & pride of me.  All I ever wanted to do was raise four girls well. That and be Julia Roberts.

My blue cross blue shield students showed up in mass to a yoga party downtown. They publicly proclaimed  the "blessing" (their word) that I have been.  Salve to a tired soul.

I sat at a baby shower for my sweet friend who has been trying to conceive for TEN years. Joy. Blessing. Life.

I sat a breakfast with my running partner who could speak truth into my life, love into my heart, and give the exact advice because she KNOWS me & my tendencies.

What I've come to realize is the truth in what my Al-Anon hero says over and over "life and more of it".  As Fiddler says, "To LIFE!".

I'm thankful for the people who pour life into me and so make my journey more beautiful & full &. Colorful.

Stepping outside the box...

I know I am a slow learner. I keep learning the same lesson over and over about my comfort zone. Each time something's seems scary, weird or not my "norm" I tend to tense up and back away. Yet everytime I don't and as Sweet Beth says "fly fearlessly" ahead, I end up being more blessed, lighter, happier. I try to tell my girls this yet I forget it all the time.

This year I was persuaded to lead a group of college girls to walk out community, in the flesh, raw, broken flesh. This was terrifying. What I they hated each other or WORSE, hated me.  For seven weeks we took turns telling our stories. I forgot the power of a person's story, the unmasked version. I forgot the power of being heard. "That may be your story but it doesn't make it your truth," Galinda tells Elphaba in "Wicked".

To say my life is fuller is like saying I have four girls. It is my factual existence now. These girls have sung music into my heart in places I didn't even realize had gone numb from lack of tunes. The way they love each other so well just shocks me. We found home in a quiet, unknown little cabin. I didn't even know I needed a respite.  Funny, I needed community that didn't look like what I thought it would.  Funny, outside my comfort zone always looks a little funny at first....

Why can't I have Jennifer Lawrence's life?

One of the big girls posed that question to me last night. I smiled big. I remember being in my twenties wanting to be Julia Roberts. That was a looooooong time ago and her is what I would say to my daughter or to my twenty year old self.

1. Don't ever get on the comparison train. DON'T. There will always be someone smarter, taller, thinner, more beautiful, funnier, richer, more talented, etc, etc, etc.  Learn to be grateful for the gifts a big God gave you. Learn to be comfortable quickly in your own skin.

2. Don't take yourself too seriously.

3. Forgive quickly. Find stories of redemption, reconciliation, restoration and cling to them with grateful hands.

4. Don't hold grudges.

5. Surround yourself with real friends. Friends that come sit in the pit and say, "this mud sucks". Friends that cheer the red carpet moments.  Make sure they are the truth-tellers and mirror-holder-uppers in your life.

6. The secret to a happy marriage is marrying well. It's the most important decision of your life.

7. Own a dress that everytime you put it on you feel like you are on the red carpet. Get the shoes too.

8. Listen. Show up. Listen some more. Show up.

9. Choose fearlessness, not fearful.

So it might not be Julia's or Jennnifer's life but it will be rich, colorful,full, and real.  And don't forget the dress.....