Rent, changes and laughter

I took my big girls to see "Rent". I always told them when they were seventeen inwould take them. Big girl tells the story of how at three everyone sang "the wheels on the bus" or whatever while she and big girl #2 sang "525,600 minutes....". Our beautiful friend Haley was in the production. She was amazing. Rent speaks to me because I miss the moments & I do not measure in love. I love a lot of times for attention & to be loved. That is not love. That is my pride.

Big girl is in Spain. She is there safely. She looks beautiful & happy. I still see sex traders in the background.....always a mommy.

Sweet Beth's husband is in Houston at a new job. My heart cries, it breaks. We went to a funny movie to laugh. I still cried. She makes my life fuller & better & easier & happier. I want this miracle that keeps her here. I have bargained with God. I have even tried "to be really good". I get that God does not work like that but I want my sweet Beth here,five minutes away at any minute. It feels like punishment. Do not tell me it is not. I get that but I hurt too much.

Rent got me listening to all my old musical music. There is a song from "Big, the musical" called "Stop Time". The mother is pleading for time to stop because every time she relishes in the age of her boy, he grows. Yep. Get that. Stop time. She has braces. She cares about clothes. She looks at NYC. She goes to Spain. Sweet Beth looks to Houston. No daddy at Father's Day. Stop time....525,600 minutes....

Aha moments, the Ritz and shared pain

FINALLY last Tuesday I dug my way out of my funk. Al-Anon is always a good start to funk killing. "The more I give thanks for my life as it is, the more I can accept the healing that allows me to change & grow. By recognizing & cultivating my abilities, I am increasing willing to let go." Wow. That was my funk's theme, song & verse. I was looking around at people I think are "too cool", "too hip", "too Christian", "too lberal" to include me. Kristin Chenowith (hear my "ohhh" as she is my fav Broadway voice) said in her memoir shoe was depressed for years because she was too liberal for Christian fans and too conservative for her liberal friends. Later that night, my AMAZING book club (The Hoot 'n Holler Club)had a fab meeting at my crack house AKA The Cosmetic Market. Having my cool CM buddies with my eclectic and laugh and feel beautiful was even more funk killing.

Funny thing is we are on a family vacation at a Ritz Carlton. The only reason our kids are here is we are on a huge wedding guest discount. It is funny how quickly we acclimate to the service and luxury and it is very "aha" to me how many diverse people fit in at the Ritz. Hmmmmm, there must be something to external comparison being a bad thing....

Shared pain is a powerful thing. I was open in sharing with safe people that I was in a funk. I have two heart friends who are going through big girl, full blown hard life stuff. My heart breaks. Anna Quinlan (cue ohhhhhh again) says we show up. Isn't that powerful? The great cinematic achievement says "we show up and sit". Here is to funk killing, no comapison, and showing up......