Rent, changes and laughter

I took my big girls to see "Rent". I always told them when they were seventeen inwould take them. Big girl tells the story of how at three everyone sang "the wheels on the bus" or whatever while she and big girl #2 sang "525,600 minutes....". Our beautiful friend Haley was in the production. She was amazing. Rent speaks to me because I miss the moments & I do not measure in love. I love a lot of times for attention & to be loved. That is not love. That is my pride.

Big girl is in Spain. She is there safely. She looks beautiful & happy. I still see sex traders in the background.....always a mommy.

Sweet Beth's husband is in Houston at a new job. My heart cries, it breaks. We went to a funny movie to laugh. I still cried. She makes my life fuller & better & easier & happier. I want this miracle that keeps her here. I have bargained with God. I have even tried "to be really good". I get that God does not work like that but I want my sweet Beth here,five minutes away at any minute. It feels like punishment. Do not tell me it is not. I get that but I hurt too much.

Rent got me listening to all my old musical music. There is a song from "Big, the musical" called "Stop Time". The mother is pleading for time to stop because every time she relishes in the age of her boy, he grows. Yep. Get that. Stop time. She has braces. She cares about clothes. She looks at NYC. She goes to Spain. Sweet Beth looks to Houston. No daddy at Father's Day. Stop time....525,600 minutes....