Stepping outside the box...

I know I am a slow learner. I keep learning the same lesson over and over about my comfort zone. Each time something's seems scary, weird or not my "norm" I tend to tense up and back away. Yet everytime I don't and as Sweet Beth says "fly fearlessly" ahead, I end up being more blessed, lighter, happier. I try to tell my girls this yet I forget it all the time.

This year I was persuaded to lead a group of college girls to walk out community, in the flesh, raw, broken flesh. This was terrifying. What I they hated each other or WORSE, hated me.  For seven weeks we took turns telling our stories. I forgot the power of a person's story, the unmasked version. I forgot the power of being heard. "That may be your story but it doesn't make it your truth," Galinda tells Elphaba in "Wicked".

To say my life is fuller is like saying I have four girls. It is my factual existence now. These girls have sung music into my heart in places I didn't even realize had gone numb from lack of tunes. The way they love each other so well just shocks me. We found home in a quiet, unknown little cabin. I didn't even know I needed a respite.  Funny, I needed community that didn't look like what I thought it would.  Funny, outside my comfort zone always looks a little funny at first....

Why can't I have Jennifer Lawrence's life?

One of the big girls posed that question to me last night. I smiled big. I remember being in my twenties wanting to be Julia Roberts. That was a looooooong time ago and her is what I would say to my daughter or to my twenty year old self.

1. Don't ever get on the comparison train. DON'T. There will always be someone smarter, taller, thinner, more beautiful, funnier, richer, more talented, etc, etc, etc.  Learn to be grateful for the gifts a big God gave you. Learn to be comfortable quickly in your own skin.

2. Don't take yourself too seriously.

3. Forgive quickly. Find stories of redemption, reconciliation, restoration and cling to them with grateful hands.

4. Don't hold grudges.

5. Surround yourself with real friends. Friends that come sit in the pit and say, "this mud sucks". Friends that cheer the red carpet moments.  Make sure they are the truth-tellers and mirror-holder-uppers in your life.

6. The secret to a happy marriage is marrying well. It's the most important decision of your life.

7. Own a dress that everytime you put it on you feel like you are on the red carpet. Get the shoes too.

8. Listen. Show up. Listen some more. Show up.

9. Choose fearlessness, not fearful.

So it might not be Julia's or Jennnifer's life but it will be rich, colorful,full, and real.  And don't forget the dress.....

Barely breathing

It took me months to come up and inhale. When you have the same BFF from twelve to present, her mother changes your life. Ellie died. It looks innocent in black and white but in color, it rocked my world. Ellie made my childhood big,bold, colorful, happy. I hope I see her fingerprints on my parenting. I know now of countless sacrifices Ellie made for us. No death has ever hurt more. None. Nada.

Big girls in NYC and London. It's quieter. No one holds my hand in yoga. No one goes to movies on a whim. But little girls shine a little brighter. That helps.

Acquired six more college girls this year. Gave into pressure to lead a core group of college girls at UTC.  BEST. BLESSING. EVER.  I learn something every week. My heart is full.

It's Oscar time. Seriously my fav time of year. I think I need an intervention. I bought nail polish, a trench, and long leather gloves because some of my favorite actors or their characters wore them.

Breathe in....breathe out

I am breathing again

So I took a break. Haven't written in forever. Ellie died. That seems so innocent a statement in black and white. In the color of my life, it's overwhelming. When you have the same BFF from twelve on, her mother molds you. I pray Ellie molded me. I see her fingerprints in my parenting. I don't mind mess if there's laughter. I loved her. It's the saddest I've ever been at a death. Ever. And I've lost a "real" parent. Ellie was the most real. Lately I've learned of sacrifices she made to make Annabeth's and my world intact. I miss her a lot.

Big girls are in NYC & London. You live to launch these girls and then you kinda grieve. No one holds my hand in corpse pose in yoga. No one goes to a movie at the drop of a hat. It's quiet but it allows room for little girls to explore who they are in a quieter, bigger space.

The great man that has our hearts got a promotion & it has been interesting how differently some people act. But we are still those people. My friend Jamie has written a lyrical book called "I Want to Show you More". Read it. It's made me see Lookout Mountain in a different way. I kinda get the reaction now.

I am breathing again. In...out.....in....out.  Ellie is gone. Sweet Beth is in Houston. Runner Liz is in Savannah.  I couldn't catch my breath it was too much. "What defines us is not our falling but how we rise". "Fell down. Got up. Good for me".  In....out...