Collision of Two Worlds

I just returned from a week long visit to my big girl in London. I am proud of all my girls for very different reasons but this girl, wow, this girl. She has become a Londoner. She knows the hotspots. She found a church with locals who love Jesus and love socialism. She is her own person. She loves theatre and it ROCKS there.

Yes I met Helen Mirren after her incredible play. Yes we saw Matilda. Yes we saw amazing art and markets and stayed up late and laughed. But she is my best thing tonight because she gets loving theatre for arts sake, loving having homosexual friends, a good ale, oh AND Jesus.

We saw a live Passion Play in Trafalgar Square. I wept. Jesus walking through the crowd. Healing. Compassion. Warmth. Big girl called it the collision of two worlds. Yes. Yes. And isn't life?

Sweet Beth always said we raised girls that are the girls we wish we had been at that age. Here's the heart of the matter- she said she had become me. Whoa. No. Collision. She is so wise and fun and free and alive. I still get scared. A friend's strong opinion makes me second guess who I am for a moment. Then I remember "no one is gonna write my story". That's Matilda folks. (It's in NYC now and RUN RUN to NYC and see it).

It is a collision. I have wanted these four amazing girls to be comfortable in their own skin and then this beautiful girl says she likes wearing mine.

Breathe in. Breathe out. This collision isn't hurting quite so bad....

Big girl number 2 conquers NYC like she's always lived there. Number three flips and is a baby whisperer. Number four takes incredible photos and writes.

John Stroud loves big.

Colliding now feels ok......

Fiddler on the Roof and mental illness...

I turned on the tv this afternoon on Turner Classic Movies and low and behold, Fiddler was on. Three years ago all four girls were in the amazing CCS production. Big girl number one was  Golde. It's my favorite classical musical.  Baby girl even started watching it with me. It's "our" musical- all girls, a REAL marriage, pain, faith.

It got me thinking about why art speaks to me....like why I'm obsessed with Silver Linings.  Those who hold me up & are in my innermost circle know I have a depressive disorder. The exact diagnosis is cyclothymia which basically means my thyroid is involved & I am one step removed from the mildest form of bipolar disorder. So basically my moods swing sometimes. I love Silver Linings showed the truth & the hope. This weekend has been a big "up" and I want to share aspects of it incase you know someone who struggles with any form, no matter how mild, of mental illness.

My Nancy showed up with yellow roses and yellow EVERYTHING to bring sunshine to me but also to acknowledge the sunshine I bring her & others. When you struggle to maintain a socially acceptable level of "up" and someone acknowledges you for that, it's huge, life giving and affirming.

Both big girls randomly sent messages vis varying social medians to proclaim their love & pride of me.  All I ever wanted to do was raise four girls well. That and be Julia Roberts.

My blue cross blue shield students showed up in mass to a yoga party downtown. They publicly proclaimed  the "blessing" (their word) that I have been.  Salve to a tired soul.

I sat at a baby shower for my sweet friend who has been trying to conceive for TEN years. Joy. Blessing. Life.

I sat a breakfast with my running partner who could speak truth into my life, love into my heart, and give the exact advice because she KNOWS me & my tendencies.

What I've come to realize is the truth in what my Al-Anon hero says over and over "life and more of it".  As Fiddler says, "To LIFE!".

I'm thankful for the people who pour life into me and so make my journey more beautiful & full &. Colorful.

Stepping outside the box...

I know I am a slow learner. I keep learning the same lesson over and over about my comfort zone. Each time something's seems scary, weird or not my "norm" I tend to tense up and back away. Yet everytime I don't and as Sweet Beth says "fly fearlessly" ahead, I end up being more blessed, lighter, happier. I try to tell my girls this yet I forget it all the time.

This year I was persuaded to lead a group of college girls to walk out community, in the flesh, raw, broken flesh. This was terrifying. What I they hated each other or WORSE, hated me.  For seven weeks we took turns telling our stories. I forgot the power of a person's story, the unmasked version. I forgot the power of being heard. "That may be your story but it doesn't make it your truth," Galinda tells Elphaba in "Wicked".

To say my life is fuller is like saying I have four girls. It is my factual existence now. These girls have sung music into my heart in places I didn't even realize had gone numb from lack of tunes. The way they love each other so well just shocks me. We found home in a quiet, unknown little cabin. I didn't even know I needed a respite.  Funny, I needed community that didn't look like what I thought it would.  Funny, outside my comfort zone always looks a little funny at first....

Why can't I have Jennifer Lawrence's life?

One of the big girls posed that question to me last night. I smiled big. I remember being in my twenties wanting to be Julia Roberts. That was a looooooong time ago and her is what I would say to my daughter or to my twenty year old self.

1. Don't ever get on the comparison train. DON'T. There will always be someone smarter, taller, thinner, more beautiful, funnier, richer, more talented, etc, etc, etc.  Learn to be grateful for the gifts a big God gave you. Learn to be comfortable quickly in your own skin.

2. Don't take yourself too seriously.

3. Forgive quickly. Find stories of redemption, reconciliation, restoration and cling to them with grateful hands.

4. Don't hold grudges.

5. Surround yourself with real friends. Friends that come sit in the pit and say, "this mud sucks". Friends that cheer the red carpet moments.  Make sure they are the truth-tellers and mirror-holder-uppers in your life.

6. The secret to a happy marriage is marrying well. It's the most important decision of your life.

7. Own a dress that everytime you put it on you feel like you are on the red carpet. Get the shoes too.

8. Listen. Show up. Listen some more. Show up.

9. Choose fearlessness, not fearful.

So it might not be Julia's or Jennnifer's life but it will be rich, colorful,full, and real.  And don't forget the dress.....

Barely breathing

It took me months to come up and inhale. When you have the same BFF from twelve to present, her mother changes your life. Ellie died. It looks innocent in black and white but in color, it rocked my world. Ellie made my childhood big,bold, colorful, happy. I hope I see her fingerprints on my parenting. I know now of countless sacrifices Ellie made for us. No death has ever hurt more. None. Nada.

Big girls in NYC and London. It's quieter. No one holds my hand in yoga. No one goes to movies on a whim. But little girls shine a little brighter. That helps.

Acquired six more college girls this year. Gave into pressure to lead a core group of college girls at UTC.  BEST. BLESSING. EVER.  I learn something every week. My heart is full.

It's Oscar time. Seriously my fav time of year. I think I need an intervention. I bought nail polish, a trench, and long leather gloves because some of my favorite actors or their characters wore them.

Breathe in....breathe out

I am breathing again

So I took a break. Haven't written in forever. Ellie died. That seems so innocent a statement in black and white. In the color of my life, it's overwhelming. When you have the same BFF from twelve on, her mother molds you. I pray Ellie molded me. I see her fingerprints in my parenting. I don't mind mess if there's laughter. I loved her. It's the saddest I've ever been at a death. Ever. And I've lost a "real" parent. Ellie was the most real. Lately I've learned of sacrifices she made to make Annabeth's and my world intact. I miss her a lot.

Big girls are in NYC & London. You live to launch these girls and then you kinda grieve. No one holds my hand in corpse pose in yoga. No one goes to a movie at the drop of a hat. It's quiet but it allows room for little girls to explore who they are in a quieter, bigger space.

The great man that has our hearts got a promotion & it has been interesting how differently some people act. But we are still those people. My friend Jamie has written a lyrical book called "I Want to Show you More". Read it. It's made me see Lookout Mountain in a different way. I kinda get the reaction now.

I am breathing again. In...out.....in....out.  Ellie is gone. Sweet Beth is in Houston. Runner Liz is in Savannah.  I couldn't catch my breath it was too much. "What defines us is not our falling but how we rise". "Fell down. Got up. Good for me".  In....out...

Ne pleur pas parce que c'est finis, sours parce que ca c'est passé.

Yes it is in French. It is baby girl's fav Dr. Seuss quote, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened". She quoted it in tears the night the high school play closed. She and big girl number two were amazing, in my humble opinion, stole the entire show. Baby girl was sad cause she loved her new high school friends.

I was also sad but a little excited because it meant I could get ready for NYC and France. Still kinda makes a lump in my throat that big girl number two is gonna live there. Full time. A new Yorker....... So mom and two big girls trip rocked. Big girl one met Katie Holmes. Lots time with our Elizabeth...lunch with Jessica...and Darcy found the prom dress to end all prom dresses. Live was grand.

France was everything it should be. I am thankful for John Stroud but really thankful for the world's best friend Liz who swooped in when our sitter had the flu. She didn't ask long she might be there, she just showed up. The great Anna Quindlen, says that's the best things people do, show up. Nancy and Erica showed up for our cheerleader trying out while I was in Paris. Hit my knees in flagship Louis Vuitton store sobbing upon her good news. Very Parisienne. You never stop being a mom. Showing up still rocks my world.....

Having had the same BFF since I was twelve, her mom was a huge "shower up" in my life. Ellie was one of the few adults who looked me in the eye and told me I was pretty. She taught me to have fun and hang loose. She taught me there is little a hot chocolate chip cookie made from scratch cannot cure. She taught me dishes staying in sink are less important than late night laugh fests. She is nearing the end of her courageous battle against cancer. She is brave and fearless and my Ellie to the end. She is talking of how forward she is looking to heaven. That may be the single best definition of Dr. Seuss's quote I've ever heard............