Beaches & waves of grief...

So I am at the beach house my daddy designed and built. Only the second time I have been here without him. I have baby girl and friend, number three girl and friend and my mom. Baby girl keeps mentioning being sad about my daddy. I am too. There will always be waves of grief at big events for my girls..and little events....everyday events.

I will miss the "what could have happened"... When does it get easier???

There is not a better sound than kids' laughing. It should be seriously a bottled drug. I would be an addict.

Lately I have been missing my second home- NYC. Second big girl and I were talking about being raised in NYC versus our little mountain community. We both mused how cool NYC would be but knew we loved the living in an area where we intimately know our neighbors & do not lock doors & can name six people who run to our rescue in any big or small "crisis". We decided we are ok with it being second home.

I love living on a mountain but the beach soothes me like clonopin. Speaks to my soul. Screams peace to my nerves.

Baby girl introduced John Stroud at 5th grade graduation. "Let me introduce you to my dad. He is a hard-working man at Chattem. He is a great biking buddy. He is a fun, cool dad. But most of all he is a man of the faith. Meet my dad John Stroud". That is it...him in a nutshell.
He is a gift...to me...to my girls.

Life flows in waves...happy...sad....hard...easy. Thankful I know there is always a low tide....

Summer lovin'

Big girl is home. She was home for three days and then off to beach with a campus ministry. Bless her heart, she no longer has a room here so her stuff is all spread out but it is interesting how quickly our family re-settles into a family of six again.

Started couponing to save for my car later this summer. It feels like a game & I am not quite a starter yet. Never bought a car by myself. My daddy bought me one as a senior in college & then John Stroud & I bought a couple. Big girl step for me.

As summer rolls in, people are in less clothes. I am thankful I have been binge and purge free for 22 years but some old tapes never die. I am a broad shouldered, thick chested woman. I will never be a lithe yoga looking girl. Most days I am thankful of what my body is capable of doing, other days I want skinnier arms, a collarbone & flat stomach. I want my girls to never,ever be trapped by any eating disorder & embrace their beautiful, healthy bodies. I think comparison is my big enemy. It takes my mind all kinds of places it does not need to go. Discontentment jumps on board quickly after I let comparisons in.....

John Stroud speaks at fifth grade graduation this week. The man is an incredible public speaker. He is a nervous wreck. He has practiced until I want to scream. He knows he will cry when baby girl introduces him. He will. She read her introduction to me. He is in trouble....

Movie reviews, non-budging eye liner & big girl home

Lately I saw s lot of movies. I just want to say GODD movies. Summer is coming so here is a list for you:
Soul Surfer- excellent for any kids 7 and up. Incredible inspiring story. True story os surfer losing arm to shark attack. Shark attack is brief & not intense. AMAZING. A+.

Madea's Big Happy Family- appropriate for 12 and up. Wonderful story of forgiveness & redemption. What we blame people for may not be the full story. B+.

Jumping the Broom- great date movie and for 14-15 and up. So good! Working class meets upper class but does our past or our current situation define us? A-.

Win Win- excellent film regarding stepping out for another human being, especially a surly teenager. Great to see with a 17 year old or up child. A+.

Smashbox makes this incredible water proof cream/gel eyeliner that stands up to hot yoga. Cosmetic Market sells it in Chattanooga. AMAZING-you have to have it for summer.

Big girl #1 is home. We have no room for her stuff now. Sad we have displaced her. Time keeps marching on. Hmmmmmmmm......

Mother pain sucks

Mother's Day Weekend....hmmmmmm. Drove to Birmingham to see big girl one in an amazing performance. Took my breath away. Met my mom to follow me back here to celebrate.

Both big girls have suffered disappointments & huts lately. The pain & anger I feel is indescribable. I did not know you could hurt so badly for another human. I just want to fix everything. God could they just be seven again....

Was so upset I text John Stroud and used the f word. Of course, the 14 year old had his phone. I will not live this down EVER.

Also did not have on my calendar that I was to work at Cosmetic Market today. Yep, an hour late & under dressed but I have to say did great bridal work I was proud to call mine.

This is not how I saw this weekend going down.....

Mono take two

So baby girl as mono which she caught from daughter number three. In the past week I have seen friends lose every earthly possession. I have walked in areas I would swear are movie sets. I have seen and heard stories I never thought would happen in my community.

It has made me take a lot of stock. What do I REALLY value? I mean REALLY. I have found I love my leisure, my space, and my schedule. Sick children interfere with that. Sounds harsh as a mom. Know big girl one & two will read this (love that big girl number one & friends claim to devour this blog). I hope they know I love them to the moon & back. But so much of motherhood has caught me by surprise....the depth of love I feel...the fierceness with which I protect....how quickly I can take people down to protect.....how easily I can plot the demise of bullies....the sheer exhaustion....the joy...the heartache.

I am a blessed woman. Make no mistake, I know it. I am passionate about my family & my part time job. I get paid to do something I am passionate about that I also believe changes lives. It gives me an identity outside my girls & John Stroud. I think this is good for the five of them because they will never be responsible for my fulfillment or happiness. I think it gives them freedom to live, breathe, dream, be apart from me knowing I support & applaud them but need not "grip" them. That is my hope at least....I have money saved for therapy in case I am wrong.

I am blessed with friends who know me to my core & still love me. One friend gave me a sign that hangs in my bedroom: My friends have made the story of my life. They have. Today alone, Paramore, Nancy & sweet Beth were on the phone, computer, in person. Annabeth continues to be my cheerleader. These are irreplaceables...I know I value.

If my "things" are gone am I ok? I have seen evidence of people this week with a knowledge of a living God that allows them to be ok. I have seen different walks of people bond together. I pray our nation does not forget the devastation here. But we all know, the news will fade but the rebuilding will not.

I want to get all my babies under one roof and squeeze them all. It can all change in a moment. Maybe being homebound with mono is not so bad....