So it all comes down to this...

Last night we were having 8 people over for dinner. Twenty minutes before arrival time, big girl #2 was in a wreck. She is fine but it was a bad wreck. All our focus had been on clean the house & get her ready for the ACT. And it all changed.

John Stroud did not get home to help with last minute stuff. Big girl was obviously shaken. Funny. Multiple people in our community stopped to check on her. She felt the love, and some embarrassment.

We had a phenomenal night with our friends. Big girl saw all her daddy cared about was her, not a totaled car. Clean houses & well thought all plans can change instantly.

So it all comes down to this....gratitude.

For my girls....

I spent the night in Atlanta with my mom celebrating her birthday.  Several things hit me....you never stop being a mom.  Several times she told me things I should or should not be doing and I am approaching fifty. Several times she questioned how good or bad a mom she had been.  I get that.  I have this running savings account to pay for future therapy for my girls so when they need to tell a professional what I did they or their husbands will not have to pay for the therapist.

Big girl #1 is back at school.  She is set to assistant direct her first show.  She sees what she wants long term and is planning to get there.  I wish I had had her gumption, her poise, her wisdom.  She is this amazing woman who continues to surprise me and make me question how she is mine.  She is beautiful but her real beauty is her heart.

Big girl #2 is studying to take her ACT and raise her score by one point so any of her dream schools are not out of question.  She is set to become the next Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.  If you know her, you know she will.  She is my movie going buddy and I will miss her but I will stand in awe I am sure.

Little girl #2 is cheering and flipping and making us whoop it up at games every week.  Baby girl is navigating middle school and volleyball like the pro her sisters prepared her to be.

I will forever question the mom I am.  Did I say "I love you" enough?  Did I say "You are amazing" enough?  Life is tough these days.  Do they know that no matter if they win or lose I am still their biggest fan?

I know that happiness is not a flippant fly-by-night thing but a conscious decision so therefore their happiness is not my job and my happiness is ESPECIALLY not their job.  But I want them to know they are the highlight of my life.  I want them to know I love their dad and my life separate from them.  I fought for so many years to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want them to fight.

I don't know if we ever sit and go "yeah I was a good mom".  I don't think I will.  This parenting thing does not get easier.  The highs get bigger but so do the lows.

Community & saying goodbye

I live in a community. A southern community at that. My urban friend Elizabeth shared an article with me by Allison Glock in Garden & Gun (which is a great magazine by the way). It is entitled "Southern Women". In it she says, "I want my children to know they belong to something bigger than themselves. That they are unique, but they are not alone. That there is continuity where they come from. Comfort too." I saw that in spades today. My community buried a beautiful nineteen year old girl. I sat in a church packed to the brim. Full of neighbors with different walks of faith, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different ages. It was the truest form of southern comfort.

A few years ago a friend shared an article by Anna Quindlen (an amazing author). She said, "I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.". Showing up is important. I sat among a throng today that showed up. I am blessed to have an intimate circle that continually shows up in my life. One of my fav films of all time "Lars & the Real Girl" has a pivotal scene where some women respond to Lars question of, "Shouldn't we be doing something?" with "We show up & we sit.". Showing up is important.

The people who show up in my life do so via phone, in person or handwritten notes. Showing up, really showing up, counts. I know my neighbors' names, details (perhaps too many, although I don't think so) of their lives. My children are being raised surrounded by this. They know they are special, unique but NEVER alone. Showing up counts. It makes a community...it changes lives....

Silence and my Abileen leaves....

Last Saturday I attended a conference called Soul Care. I found out from big girl #1 that it was really a silence retreat. If I had known that I would have not signed up!!! But I was in for a huge surprise. It was amazing. We do not have a culture that values silence and slowing down. I think I feared silence. What would I learn about myself? What would I learn about God? I left with a commitment to daily silence & totally slowing down. Funny how facing fears tears them down....

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." That is the great quote from the movie "The Help". I have had an Abileen in my life....sweet Beth. She moved to Houston yesterday. I know I have a cell phone,skpe,FaceTime,yada yada yada. But she is not 10 minutes away. She gave me the gift of fearlessness. She made me believe things about myself I never thought possible. My heart is heavy....

I am at the beach with John Stroud sans kids. We have been married twenty-three years. We so can do slow & laid back. I can sit on the beach for hours. He can ride a bike for hours. We can read in silence. We can see movies & eat good food together. We used to think we had to do EVERYTHING together. Being married this long has taught us the ebb & flow of being alone & supportive & together. I love being here with him....

Read The Help. Read Unbroken. Go see the movie with your Abileen & tell her/him you love them....

Some things cannot be faked....

What a ten days it has been. I went to see a friend in rehab. She opened her most private journal to me. There was light in her eyes and a glow to her skin. She is in recovery. Some things you cannot fake....

I saw "Midnight in Paris" and "Stupid Crazy Love". "Midnight" deals with denial of our present due to longing of our past. Been there. Check. "Stupid" deals with being yourself- your TRUE self. Been there. Check. Some things you cannot fake....

I am overwhelmed by melancholy. Sweet Beth leaves soon. There is something scary going on with a lot of teenagers around me. They are sad to their core. Somethings you just cannot fake...

There is a peace in the midst and for that my heart feels lighter...somethings you cannot fake....

I will do yours if you do mine....

We ended our stay cation with no kids by going to Hotlanta for a night. We had a perfect plan: arrive at lunch, eat, shop, workout, dinner out with Paramore & Jonathan, sleep late, Trader Joe's, bike ride, lunch, home.

Since John Stroud was being gracious to shop, I mapped out my exact locations & needs & showed him the list. Success!!!! We cruised through every stop & laughed & kissed & had a ball, plus he was able to take calls & do business.

Hotel was amazing & another priceline victory. We went to meet Paramore & Jonathan. Some idiot had said to John, "how sweet to have dinner with Merrile's gay friends". His response was "would you say that about her black friends? Her Asian friends? Her Buddhist friends?". John Stroud made a powerful comment, "Sometimes people are more afraid of their similarities than their differences.". How right he is!!!! The first 45 minutes the three men talked pharmaceuticals, drug stores & marketing. HELLO!!!! I got sooooooooo cute for these men!!!! They finally paid attention to me!

The bike ride....well it sucked. I have run two marathons, countless half marathons but 20 miles on a hot day and I am done on a bike. I have tried to love it because I love John Stroud and he does 100 mile races a lot but I hate it. HATE IT. he saw my pain today & I think we are done on bikes. It will be his boy only activity & I am so good with that.

I love that he and I both have things we love that are ours alone and not dependent on each other or our kids. I find it healthy that we find joy and our kids or each other are not responsible for our happiness. I love him, he is the best person I know but we need our differences.

I did his. He did mine. I won. Yeah me!

Quiet house loud mind

This is the week each summer every Stroud girl is at camp or on a church trip. It makes for the quietest house. Funny how a quiet house does not equal a quiet mind. There are several great things about this week: John Stroud & I have uninterrupted conversations, lots of take out, great wines, long yoga practices....funny how my mind is only quiet while I am at yoga. At home I replay "what if" scenarios- what if some sex trader tracks big girl in Spain or baby girl goes out too far in lake or big girl #2 & 3 sunburn....

I went home this weekend and my mom is still a mom. She did not want me to get sun because of skin cancer. Ummmmmm.....

My mind has been so cluttered since my dad's death. How long can that be my excuse??? I was headed to Starbucks today & I passed a man who was a double for my daddy. It took my breath away. Funny how it all rushes back.

I think I may go put in a movie & pour a glass....