Malaysia here we come....

I have been a weepy mess lately. Having no uterus, it is hard to track when I am really hormonal or simply a raw bundle of emotion. I can track it starting a few weeks into Sweet Beth's departure. I know she is not dead but just in Texas but I miss her.

I went to Little Beth's house in Birmingham this week. It truly should be in a magazine. It is so stylish but the amazing thing is it is also so warm, inviting & comfortable. Which is no surprise to me cause that is how she makes everyone feel- comfortable. She has loved me at my worst & yet always fills my cup to the brim with her love & laughter.

I got to be with big girl #1 who has grown into the most beautiful & amazing woman. She is so fun, funny, smart & full of love. Baby girl could not stand waiting to leave on Friday cause her big sis was on the other end of the car ride.

Big girl/little girl #3 and I leave for Malaysia in a week. It is a mission trip to rock missionary babies. I am beginning to panic. It is a twenty-seven hour journey to the other side of the world. Tonight we went to a service at our church where our church FAMILY blessed our travel & trip. I began to weep over the people who showed, especially as vast majority were there for my baby, who overcome with emotion wept in front of our friends. We then heard our beloved pastor talk about her fame as a babysitter & use her vulnerability as the point of his message. I am still scared but here are facts these three events have sealed in my heart & mind:
1. I am blessed beyond measure- by my real family & my "extended" family.
2. I am loved by people who take time to be real & vulnerable, therefore I have safe places to land.
3. Malaysia whispers with promise & opportunity and because I am blessed to be loved well, I can rest in excitement.

Other side of the world, here we come......

Raw pain & cheerleaders

Lately I have seen several people in pain...real pain...raw pain....pain you cannot fix or smile and act as if everything is "fine" or "good". The complete codependent in me screams, "LET ME FIX IT OR AT LEAST HELP!!!". I can't. I know that. I think my loved friends know it. But somehow they trust me enough to sit the muck with them. That is holy, sacred ground. I will never take that lightly. Even if all I can do is utter how sorry I am, I am still honored to be there.

Big girl number two had a wreck two weeks ago. Car is totaled. Not her fault. But it could have ended so differently. Undid me two days AFTER the wreck. So thankful. The what if is always so scary....puts so much in perspective.

I cheered in junior & high school. Cheering taught me so much. Cheering really gets a bad rap. I love cheerleaders. Sweet Beth does that for me. Today I was exhausted. She cheered. She applauded. She encouraged me. She's not here but manages to do it over the phone. We need cheerleaders. Be one. Find one. Train one.

I like being a student AND teacher....

You would think I would know that by now...I loooooove teaching yoga (BIG love to my BCBS students) and loooove practicing yoga. But today was one of those rare perfect days.

My friend Kristy is a superhero. Big girl #1 wrote a paper in middle school on a person she admires & she chose Kristy. Kristy has a daughter with special needs & she parents Emma, Carter & Gordy with such grace, dignity & strength it is simply breathtaking. Her fiftieth birthday party was one of the BEST nights ever- all of us close to her got to toast the amazing woman she is. She hates attention so it was a rare, beautiful night.

Kristy is so smart. She educates me constantly in history & geography. She pushes me to read books I would never pick up. Yet she never,ever makes me feel stupid. Instead she makes me feel brilliant.

Kristy applauds my knowledge of a good eyeliner, movie or quick read book. She seeks my advice. Today I got to give her a tour of Target & school her in the Missoni phenomena. She took total delight in my "vast knowledge". I adore her.

Big girl #1 called to thank me for encouraging her to take her "second choice" soroity. She has found sisters who applaud her, who ask her to sing solos, ask her to speak & cheer her on at every turn. My heart is smiling.

Yes, teacher & student are great roles....I am truly blessed....

So it all comes down to this...

Last night we were having 8 people over for dinner. Twenty minutes before arrival time, big girl #2 was in a wreck. She is fine but it was a bad wreck. All our focus had been on clean the house & get her ready for the ACT. And it all changed.

John Stroud did not get home to help with last minute stuff. Big girl was obviously shaken. Funny. Multiple people in our community stopped to check on her. She felt the love, and some embarrassment.

We had a phenomenal night with our friends. Big girl saw all her daddy cared about was her, not a totaled car. Clean houses & well thought all plans can change instantly.

So it all comes down to this....gratitude.

For my girls....

I spent the night in Atlanta with my mom celebrating her birthday.  Several things hit me....you never stop being a mom.  Several times she told me things I should or should not be doing and I am approaching fifty. Several times she questioned how good or bad a mom she had been.  I get that.  I have this running savings account to pay for future therapy for my girls so when they need to tell a professional what I did they or their husbands will not have to pay for the therapist.

Big girl #1 is back at school.  She is set to assistant direct her first show.  She sees what she wants long term and is planning to get there.  I wish I had had her gumption, her poise, her wisdom.  She is this amazing woman who continues to surprise me and make me question how she is mine.  She is beautiful but her real beauty is her heart.

Big girl #2 is studying to take her ACT and raise her score by one point so any of her dream schools are not out of question.  She is set to become the next Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.  If you know her, you know she will.  She is my movie going buddy and I will miss her but I will stand in awe I am sure.

Little girl #2 is cheering and flipping and making us whoop it up at games every week.  Baby girl is navigating middle school and volleyball like the pro her sisters prepared her to be.

I will forever question the mom I am.  Did I say "I love you" enough?  Did I say "You are amazing" enough?  Life is tough these days.  Do they know that no matter if they win or lose I am still their biggest fan?

I know that happiness is not a flippant fly-by-night thing but a conscious decision so therefore their happiness is not my job and my happiness is ESPECIALLY not their job.  But I want them to know they are the highlight of my life.  I want them to know I love their dad and my life separate from them.  I fought for so many years to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want them to fight.

I don't know if we ever sit and go "yeah I was a good mom".  I don't think I will.  This parenting thing does not get easier.  The highs get bigger but so do the lows.

Community & saying goodbye

I live in a community. A southern community at that. My urban friend Elizabeth shared an article with me by Allison Glock in Garden & Gun (which is a great magazine by the way). It is entitled "Southern Women". In it she says, "I want my children to know they belong to something bigger than themselves. That they are unique, but they are not alone. That there is continuity where they come from. Comfort too." I saw that in spades today. My community buried a beautiful nineteen year old girl. I sat in a church packed to the brim. Full of neighbors with different walks of faith, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different ages. It was the truest form of southern comfort.

A few years ago a friend shared an article by Anna Quindlen (an amazing author). She said, "I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.". Showing up is important. I sat among a throng today that showed up. I am blessed to have an intimate circle that continually shows up in my life. One of my fav films of all time "Lars & the Real Girl" has a pivotal scene where some women respond to Lars question of, "Shouldn't we be doing something?" with "We show up & we sit.". Showing up is important.

The people who show up in my life do so via phone, in person or handwritten notes. Showing up, really showing up, counts. I know my neighbors' names, details (perhaps too many, although I don't think so) of their lives. My children are being raised surrounded by this. They know they are special, unique but NEVER alone. Showing up counts. It makes a community...it changes lives....

Silence and my Abileen leaves....

Last Saturday I attended a conference called Soul Care. I found out from big girl #1 that it was really a silence retreat. If I had known that I would have not signed up!!! But I was in for a huge surprise. It was amazing. We do not have a culture that values silence and slowing down. I think I feared silence. What would I learn about myself? What would I learn about God? I left with a commitment to daily silence & totally slowing down. Funny how facing fears tears them down....

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." That is the great quote from the movie "The Help". I have had an Abileen in my life....sweet Beth. She moved to Houston yesterday. I know I have a cell phone,skpe,FaceTime,yada yada yada. But she is not 10 minutes away. She gave me the gift of fearlessness. She made me believe things about myself I never thought possible. My heart is heavy....

I am at the beach with John Stroud sans kids. We have been married twenty-three years. We so can do slow & laid back. I can sit on the beach for hours. He can ride a bike for hours. We can read in silence. We can see movies & eat good food together. We used to think we had to do EVERYTHING together. Being married this long has taught us the ebb & flow of being alone & supportive & together. I love being here with him....

Read The Help. Read Unbroken. Go see the movie with your Abileen & tell her/him you love them....