I will do yours if you do mine....

We ended our stay cation with no kids by going to Hotlanta for a night. We had a perfect plan: arrive at lunch, eat, shop, workout, dinner out with Paramore & Jonathan, sleep late, Trader Joe's, bike ride, lunch, home.

Since John Stroud was being gracious to shop, I mapped out my exact locations & needs & showed him the list. Success!!!! We cruised through every stop & laughed & kissed & had a ball, plus he was able to take calls & do business.

Hotel was amazing & another priceline victory. We went to meet Paramore & Jonathan. Some idiot had said to John, "how sweet to have dinner with Merrile's gay friends". His response was "would you say that about her black friends? Her Asian friends? Her Buddhist friends?". John Stroud made a powerful comment, "Sometimes people are more afraid of their similarities than their differences.". How right he is!!!! The first 45 minutes the three men talked pharmaceuticals, drug stores & marketing. HELLO!!!! I got sooooooooo cute for these men!!!! They finally paid attention to me!

The bike ride....well it sucked. I have run two marathons, countless half marathons but 20 miles on a hot day and I am done on a bike. I have tried to love it because I love John Stroud and he does 100 mile races a lot but I hate it. HATE IT. he saw my pain today & I think we are done on bikes. It will be his boy only activity & I am so good with that.

I love that he and I both have things we love that are ours alone and not dependent on each other or our kids. I find it healthy that we find joy and our kids or each other are not responsible for our happiness. I love him, he is the best person I know but we need our differences.

I did his. He did mine. I won. Yeah me!

Quiet house loud mind

This is the week each summer every Stroud girl is at camp or on a church trip. It makes for the quietest house. Funny how a quiet house does not equal a quiet mind. There are several great things about this week: John Stroud & I have uninterrupted conversations, lots of take out, great wines, long yoga practices....funny how my mind is only quiet while I am at yoga. At home I replay "what if" scenarios- what if some sex trader tracks big girl in Spain or baby girl goes out too far in lake or big girl #2 & 3 sunburn....

I went home this weekend and my mom is still a mom. She did not want me to get sun because of skin cancer. Ummmmmm.....

My mind has been so cluttered since my dad's death. How long can that be my excuse??? I was headed to Starbucks today & I passed a man who was a double for my daddy. It took my breath away. Funny how it all rushes back.

I think I may go put in a movie & pour a glass....

Red lipstick girl....NOT

Last Saturday as I was in one of my happy places (aka Cosmetic Market) I decided I realllllllly wanted to be a red lipstick girl. Little girls & big girl number two & I were watching So You Think You Can Dance. One of our favs who is blonde just like moi had bright red lips. We all ooohed & ahhhed. So I set Carmen makeup artist extrodionaire to finding said red lipstick. Every single tube was tried. Alas, I look like a stranger or a little girl with her mom's lipstick. I am not a red lipstick girl.
This was a big aha moment. That is my problem. I wanna be red lipstick girl or girl who fill in the blank with any numerous things I come up with!
Sunday I heard this from The Message: Steep your life in God-reality,God-initiative, God-provisions. DON'T WORRY ABOUT MISSING OUT. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
So I won't wear red lipstick. Sweet Beth is still moving. Friends still have children in hospitals but maybe I need to steep my life somewhere else....while rocking this coral lipstick.

A mother on trial....

I have been obsessed by the Casey Anthony trial. My girls asked me why everyone is obsessed with this case. My answer was simple: mothers do not kill their children. On so many levels I ask questions. Why? How do her parents face they raised a monster? How can you harm a baby? My total disgust almost scared me. My sweet single friend tried to calm me by saying what a good mom I am and that is why I feel so strongly. I appreciate that but how do any of us REALLY know we are "good" parents????
I just read Emily Giffin's excellent book "Heart of the Matter" in one day. The main character states women know whose husband works more, who keeps house better, who throws better parties, whose kids are well-behaved,etc. She states we know & digest & discuss with other women. She wonders if we do this to make sure we are normal or we feel better about ourselves when others do less well. Thought provoking at least...
This past week as our church recreated a marketplace that Jesus would have walked through, it hit me that he walked FOR ME. Lately my funks have been all about comparison. I want to shout to my girls, "DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!YOU ARE SPECIAL & LACK FOR NOTHING!!!". We live in a culture of comparisons. Finding that comfort in our own skin is rare. I pray that for my girls.
Maybe We need to encourage & cheer for others.....

Rent, changes and laughter

I took my big girls to see "Rent". I always told them when they were seventeen inwould take them. Big girl tells the story of how at three everyone sang "the wheels on the bus" or whatever while she and big girl #2 sang "525,600 minutes....". Our beautiful friend Haley was in the production. She was amazing. Rent speaks to me because I miss the moments & I do not measure in love. I love a lot of times for attention & to be loved. That is not love. That is my pride.

Big girl is in Spain. She is there safely. She looks beautiful & happy. I still see sex traders in the background.....always a mommy.

Sweet Beth's husband is in Houston at a new job. My heart cries, it breaks. We went to a funny movie to laugh. I still cried. She makes my life fuller & better & easier & happier. I want this miracle that keeps her here. I have bargained with God. I have even tried "to be really good". I get that God does not work like that but I want my sweet Beth here,five minutes away at any minute. It feels like punishment. Do not tell me it is not. I get that but I hurt too much.

Rent got me listening to all my old musical music. There is a song from "Big, the musical" called "Stop Time". The mother is pleading for time to stop because every time she relishes in the age of her boy, he grows. Yep. Get that. Stop time. She has braces. She cares about clothes. She looks at NYC. She goes to Spain. Sweet Beth looks to Houston. No daddy at Father's Day. Stop time....525,600 minutes....

Aha moments, the Ritz and shared pain

FINALLY last Tuesday I dug my way out of my funk. Al-Anon is always a good start to funk killing. "The more I give thanks for my life as it is, the more I can accept the healing that allows me to change & grow. By recognizing & cultivating my abilities, I am increasing willing to let go." Wow. That was my funk's theme, song & verse. I was looking around at people I think are "too cool", "too hip", "too Christian", "too lberal" to include me. Kristin Chenowith (hear my "ohhh" as she is my fav Broadway voice) said in her memoir shoe was depressed for years because she was too liberal for Christian fans and too conservative for her liberal friends. Later that night, my AMAZING book club (The Hoot 'n Holler Club)had a fab meeting at my crack house AKA The Cosmetic Market. Having my cool CM buddies with my eclectic and laugh and feel beautiful was even more funk killing.

Funny thing is we are on a family vacation at a Ritz Carlton. The only reason our kids are here is we are on a huge wedding guest discount. It is funny how quickly we acclimate to the service and luxury and it is very "aha" to me how many diverse people fit in at the Ritz. Hmmmmm, there must be something to external comparison being a bad thing....

Shared pain is a powerful thing. I was open in sharing with safe people that I was in a funk. I have two heart friends who are going through big girl, full blown hard life stuff. My heart breaks. Anna Quinlan (cue ohhhhhh again) says we show up. Isn't that powerful? The great cinematic achievement says "we show up and sit". Here is to funk killing, no comapison, and showing up......

Beaches & waves of grief...

So I am at the beach house my daddy designed and built. Only the second time I have been here without him. I have baby girl and friend, number three girl and friend and my mom. Baby girl keeps mentioning being sad about my daddy. I am too. There will always be waves of grief at big events for my girls..and little events....everyday events.

I will miss the "what could have happened"... When does it get easier???

There is not a better sound than kids' laughing. It should be seriously a bottled drug. I would be an addict.

Lately I have been missing my second home- NYC. Second big girl and I were talking about being raised in NYC versus our little mountain community. We both mused how cool NYC would be but knew we loved the living in an area where we intimately know our neighbors & do not lock doors & can name six people who run to our rescue in any big or small "crisis". We decided we are ok with it being second home.

I love living on a mountain but the beach soothes me like clonopin. Speaks to my soul. Screams peace to my nerves.

Baby girl introduced John Stroud at 5th grade graduation. "Let me introduce you to my dad. He is a hard-working man at Chattem. He is a great biking buddy. He is a fun, cool dad. But most of all he is a man of the faith. Meet my dad John Stroud". That is it...him in a nutshell.
He is a gift...to me...to my girls.

Life flows in waves...happy...sad....hard...easy. Thankful I know there is always a low tide....