And then my heart broke....

The first day of sit popping, Angie the American missionary on staff asked me to help a nine year old girl named Michela who was embarrassed by the bumps on her face. I was nervous because unlike the little ones I knew she would realize I was hurting her and it would kill me but I agreed because Angie said she so wanted the bumps gone. I knew it must be killing her as molluscum take deep popping. She said not a word until I was done and then said "thank you" in perfect English and threw her arms around my waist. I burst into tears and kissed her and told her she was beautiful.

Last night when we were driving to our hotel Beebe said she was most concerned about a nine year old. She said her name was Michela. Beebe shared she did not love me loving on "my" baby Felder- the five month old the size of a newborn. She shared she had to know if Michela had an adoptive family. Carlee shared her birth mother would not sign off on adoption but her father had. Many tears followed. Michela has a four year old brother. So if seems hopeless as Michela knows all her friends have places to go, moms with means. She begs to be adopted. We held her today and said our goodbyes. I held Felder and held his nanny and thanked her.

I have never walked in poverty but I have now seen it. I have fallen for these children. I left every material possession I could in Haiti. But mostly I left a piece of my heart. And it hurts. I know I will return....don't know when but know I will. I don't want my heart fixed. I want it to stay broken so I never forget the Michelas and the Felders....

And I am telling you...I am not changing diapers in Haiti

I really have not minded leaky diapers until Melinda and I were the only nannies for fifteen 12-24 month olds. I had six or seven babies in lap, between legs, on legs, etc. their smiles and pure joy were enough to make you cry. I just could not stop smiling. Then the smell was a little overwhelming. Melinda bravely attacked the diapers. I say bravely because they are cloth with mainly Velcro for holding them in place. It became comical as one after another the babies' diapers would fall & they would just carry them around in their little fists. We quickly found pins.

What completely undid me was I realized this is how I am before my father- stinky, diarrhea running down & he is smiling & enjoying me. He hates I am dirty because it is uncomfortable for me & NOT good for ME. Along comes a fellow traveler who helps clean me up. I need fellow travelers. When I return, the smiling father loves me not more because I am clean, but loves me as much when I am dirty. He is just so happy I am in a more healthy state.

I am a zit popper. My girls run from me. Three of my girls had molluscum, a skin virus you can apply expensive cream to remove or you can pop the entire volume of small bumps out & virus leaves the body. I learned how to effectively do that. Several babies here had molluscum and I became the official dermatologist. Who knew that would come in handy?!?!?

We leave tomorrow. This place has changed me for good. (note two musical theater references in one blog) It will be sad. Our friend Carlee's baby is not fully legally her's and she will have to leave him. I knew that would be hard but now I know it will be full out gut-wrenching. I know angry girl & selfish girl will always realistically rage battle inside me but at least they got a view from the rubble and tent cities and an orphanage.

Wanderlust and oh the places you will go....

I started thinking about wanderlust and its meaning a few weeks ago. John Stroud and I began to make plans to attend the annual Wanderlust yoga/music festival in Colorado with several friends. No one batted an eye at me going but it has been fun to watch people react to John Stroud attending. :)

I looked up wanderlust. It means to long to wander or rove. It implies longing for a place you are not currently. Our church lost a dear member a few weeks ago and at his service everyone spoke of his knowing his final home and his longing to be there yet live like one who was secure in that home. He did that...well.

I had already made plans to go to Haiti when I attended that service. I wanted to go because baby girl so wanted to go and serve in this orphanage. I wanted to go because I wanted to bury angry girl in the piles of rubble. So here we are. In Haiti. Yesterday I was covered in urine & diarrhea as I held children. I don't do smells well. I vomit if my girls or dogs vomit. I didn't smell anything. I have been overcome. This place should be completely hopeless. But it is not. I am completely hopeless unless I long for the calling of my final home.

The other thing I have learned is I need to leave selfish girl here..in the rubble. Selfish girl loooooves her own space, time, DVR, iPad, tv show, books, wine. All in all, none are bad things. It is my longing for them and my resentment when I do not get them.

Just so you know....the rumors of me becoming missionary girl are greatly exaggerated. This is it for a while. I will probably come back to this place but not soon. I am thankful for the short time I have been called as I see a bigger picture...a bigger world...a bigger need for me to long...wander....wanderlust....

Orphans & big cities & girls all around....

Christmas & New Year have passed. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wanna be that super mom so bad that does it all with a smile on her face, apron on her hips, stuff flying from the pinterest recipe she just completed. I am not that super girl.

So in two weeks I go to Haiti to work at an orphanage. Baby girl is going. Fearless leader Carlee met to brief me. Trash piles. 10 babies want you at once. They don't all get adopted. Whoa. This is gonna be hard. I went to Malaysia in October. I am not missionary girl. Be VERY clear- I am NOT that girl but I really started praying to not be ANGRY girl. Somehow stretching who I see as Merrile Girl minus Angry girl is new things seeping in. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe angry girl had to go away to meet merrilemusings mission girl.

Big girl got into NYC schools. She is gone. She is so city girl but she is my little girl. Who will do marathon movie time with me? Who will make me cry AND laugh A LOT in one day???? Sad happy scared excited ...... I reminded her mommies always get invited to award show :)

So mission girl is gearing up for OSCARS!!!! Announcement this Tuesday am. See mission girl is just kinda in my skin........pop culture girl is hard to crowd out & pinterest girl might fight you....

It's a bad day not a bad life & other pinterest wisdom

The year is ending. I think I have learned a lot this year. I have learned the amazing world of pinterest, needlepoint and letting some things just go.

I have a new house plan and all my weddings planned thanks to pinterest. I have cool Christmas gifts thanks to Miss Ann & her patient teaching. I have learned holding onto grudges is letting someone live rent free in my head & gut or as Sara says, "holding a hot coal in your hand while complaining that it hurts".

I prayed & longed to be less angry this year. What was given to me was this big idea: reconciliation & forgiveness, when sought & asked for by healthy people, is an incredibly beautiful thing. The people who seek this, matter, the people who do not, I need to release. Today....not tomorrow.

I started a gratitude journal. I need to be reminded cause I am super good at whining.

So here is to 2012. May we grow, pin away, stitch & love more....

Another year older...not so sure wiser

So I am officially in my late forties. My mother was a grandmother at my age. Whoa. Stop time. I have read the book One Thousand Gifts and it has made take stock of a year of lessons & blessings.

You never, ever hurt more than when your children hurt.

A bully is a bully no matter how you want to define him differently.

There is nothing like girlfriends. NOTHING. Especially the old ones, the ones with ten years of shared stories, the ones who tell you the truth. The ones who know should be in a sitcom with you.

A great man is still hard to find and I succeeded int that department.

Disney World is a happier place than I remembered.

Reconciliation is still a wonder to watch.

I still love yoga, especially hot yoga.

I am blessed with a job I love & feel I get to make a difference.

Sorry is always a powerful word. As is I love you, I've missed you, I was wrong, I am so grateful you are in my life.

I love how you get new friends you never saw coming.

I love a good travel adventures but home is still da bomb.

Four girls still blow me away. My little heroes.

There are worse addictions than quality TV,books, beauty products & home styling. Hello, my name is Merrile and I am an addict......

We miss the sameness when we focus on the differences.

I can still learn. Needlepoint or Pinterest anyone?

Life can throw lumps at me but do they destroy me? Define me? No. Here is to moving on to 50.

Cannot for the life of me work pinterest but I like....

I signed up for pinterest cause Little Beth told me to & I am way more tech savvy than her (sorry LB but I am) and I cannot for the life of me do it!!!! So here is what I would "pin":
Small indie movies- first I ever saw was "Ordinary People" & it is still my fav film of all time, but Lars & the Real Girl is a close second.

Broadway...don't even get me started.

Stray Dogs furniture & home goods.

Bond no. 9 Union Square perfume.

The real Union Square & ALL of NYC

Television done weel

Four girls who make me feel unworthy to be their mom

A man who makes me laugh & safe & still calls me baby doll

Friends who make the story of my life worth telling

A stone church

The Cosmetic Market

Dogs who lie at my feet, my head AND my tummy

Reconciliation

Forgiveness

Unlocked doors that neighborhood children just open

A board on my fridge with "we love the Strouds" written by various children visiting

The beach

Fall on Lookout

MOVIES

warm beds

So one day I'll pin it, but for now that will have to do.....