As I have said before I love Tuesdays because it is al-anon day. I really think the world would be so much better if we all went to al-anon. Yesterday was my turn to lead and I chose to focus on a slogan "How Important Is It?".
Some highlights: If an issue isn't going to be important in 30 days, then it is probably not worth my trouble now. Also, How easily do I give my serenity away? And finally, Why do I so easily allow my feelings to get hurt? "It occurs to me that my extreme sensitivity is a form of self-conceit. I think I am the focus of everyone's actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to with me?" WHOA!
This morning I am sitting with a dear friend as her husband has prostate cancer surgery. How important is it? The little hurt from a friend, the number on the BPF (don't even ask) that won't move, the mess in my kitchen versus cancer surgery.....how Important is it?????
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
fav $14 nail polish, fav urban hipster, and cancer sucks
I swore I would never pay $14 for a nail polish but my fellow cosmetic addict Victoria told me I had to try this butter nail polish from London. Truly Victoria is an equal when it comes to cosmetic addiction...we need a support group..."Hi I am Merrile and I am a cosmetic whore." I did splurge and bought this amazing coral (biggest color for spring 2011) called Jaffa. It is the perfect shade and I sweat it lasts a week (even in NYC!) without chipping. Chattanoogans you can grab it at the Cosmetic Market. LOOOOOOOOOVE.
While in NYC, we were blessed to spend several hours with my fav urban hipster Elizabeth. I really feel like she is my younger, cooler, hipper sister since her real mom is my adopted mom Tucker. Elizabeth has this way of making you feel loved, special, smart, and cool. She is the person big girls 1 and 2 say they want to look like when they grow up. For all of you wondering if this hurts my feelings, hell to the no, I wanna look like her!!! She just wraps you in the warmth of her stories, her laughter and her love and you feel like you have taken a deep breath in yoga. She would be near Sal if she went to NYU and that makes me relax a little. LOOOOOOOOOOVE.
When I was growing up I spent a minimum of 3 nights a month at my bff Annabeth's house. Her mom Ellie was the bomb as was her daddy Larry. It was my happy place. Tacos, fried corn, and homemade chocolate chip cookies (no butter-add crisco). Ellie was almost at her five year mark for lung cancer. She had surgery Friday, ironically by my dadddy's surgeon. It is cancer but they think they got it all. Ellie made my childhood happy. I want to know this is over for her. I NEED her to be well. My daddy died on 10/11/11. I have attended three funerals since. Ellie is nowhere near death but I want her well...Annabeth needs her well. She is just this amazing light in my life and has been shining in my life for 34 years. LOOOOOOOVE her.
It is always funny to me when you say "never". Never would buy that nail polish. Never would have anything in common with that person (smarty pants Annabeth). Never would see cancer in my life. Never is a funny thing...
While in NYC, we were blessed to spend several hours with my fav urban hipster Elizabeth. I really feel like she is my younger, cooler, hipper sister since her real mom is my adopted mom Tucker. Elizabeth has this way of making you feel loved, special, smart, and cool. She is the person big girls 1 and 2 say they want to look like when they grow up. For all of you wondering if this hurts my feelings, hell to the no, I wanna look like her!!! She just wraps you in the warmth of her stories, her laughter and her love and you feel like you have taken a deep breath in yoga. She would be near Sal if she went to NYU and that makes me relax a little. LOOOOOOOOOOVE.
When I was growing up I spent a minimum of 3 nights a month at my bff Annabeth's house. Her mom Ellie was the bomb as was her daddy Larry. It was my happy place. Tacos, fried corn, and homemade chocolate chip cookies (no butter-add crisco). Ellie was almost at her five year mark for lung cancer. She had surgery Friday, ironically by my dadddy's surgeon. It is cancer but they think they got it all. Ellie made my childhood happy. I want to know this is over for her. I NEED her to be well. My daddy died on 10/11/11. I have attended three funerals since. Ellie is nowhere near death but I want her well...Annabeth needs her well. She is just this amazing light in my life and has been shining in my life for 34 years. LOOOOOOOVE her.
It is always funny to me when you say "never". Never would buy that nail polish. Never would have anything in common with that person (smarty pants Annabeth). Never would see cancer in my life. Never is a funny thing...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
heroes, big girls, and second homes
A few friends asked why I had not told some of the stories about why John Stroud is one of my heroes. The amazing Sally the 17 year old big girl, reminded me about it the last night we were in my second home, NYC.
Seven years ago, John was comfortable at his job. Our lives were full of all we thought we wanted and hoped our life could be. Suddenly his company was moving to Dallas. We went to visit. We visited the church our pastor suggested, we visited a school, we looked at houses. It was scary. Most of all it was scary because our girls were so happy. They had friends and loved our community and our church and their school. Dallas was very cosmopolitan and fast and not our girls' current existence. John made the hard decision to take a severance package and find a new job. Everyone acts like I was brave also. I was not brave, I had John Stroud in my corner. Our girls were overjoyed. John Stroud then was happy to take a job making less than he made coming out of grad school. I really do not know any men who take steps down in life. He did it so happily to keep his girls here in their community. He has since risen through the ranks and been promoted to a level worthy of his character. The other thing is he chose to really grow as a man and get to know me and his girls and make our family the amazing place it is. Men are attached to their titles and what they do, John Stroud decided to make US the priority. Love him. Admire him. He is the best. Just one story for now...
So big girl Sal is looking at NYC as a real possibility for school. Big girl Anna is going to Spain for summer. I always wanted this for them...at 6...at 12...but now....it sucks. I worry about being sold to sex trade (seen "Taken" lately?), or going home with wrong crowd, or leaving us for good. I love them. Who knew mommy love before they experienced it? It is all encompassing. My mom was with me & Sal on NYC trip. She still worries about me. I chose to walk home from my play the last night on our trip. It was a beautiful night. NYC is alive at 10:40 at night. It is beautiful and a 30 minute walk sounded so great. It scared her. I found it crazy but then it hit me...I am HER baby. Which makes me think, I always wanted to go to NYC to live. Is this Sal's dream? Is it mine? Is Spain great because ANna wants it or on some level do I want their dreams to match mine? Whoa. That is a lot to think about. I want the best for them right? OR do I want big dreams for both of us?
I do feel NYC is my second home. One summer I am gonna rent an apartment and live there. Don't know when but soon....People tell me all the time I should always start a business of doing NYC tours. Sounds great but could I do it for $ when doing it for love of my big girl and my mom is trying enough? Maybe....if the price is right....
Seven years ago, John was comfortable at his job. Our lives were full of all we thought we wanted and hoped our life could be. Suddenly his company was moving to Dallas. We went to visit. We visited the church our pastor suggested, we visited a school, we looked at houses. It was scary. Most of all it was scary because our girls were so happy. They had friends and loved our community and our church and their school. Dallas was very cosmopolitan and fast and not our girls' current existence. John made the hard decision to take a severance package and find a new job. Everyone acts like I was brave also. I was not brave, I had John Stroud in my corner. Our girls were overjoyed. John Stroud then was happy to take a job making less than he made coming out of grad school. I really do not know any men who take steps down in life. He did it so happily to keep his girls here in their community. He has since risen through the ranks and been promoted to a level worthy of his character. The other thing is he chose to really grow as a man and get to know me and his girls and make our family the amazing place it is. Men are attached to their titles and what they do, John Stroud decided to make US the priority. Love him. Admire him. He is the best. Just one story for now...
So big girl Sal is looking at NYC as a real possibility for school. Big girl Anna is going to Spain for summer. I always wanted this for them...at 6...at 12...but now....it sucks. I worry about being sold to sex trade (seen "Taken" lately?), or going home with wrong crowd, or leaving us for good. I love them. Who knew mommy love before they experienced it? It is all encompassing. My mom was with me & Sal on NYC trip. She still worries about me. I chose to walk home from my play the last night on our trip. It was a beautiful night. NYC is alive at 10:40 at night. It is beautiful and a 30 minute walk sounded so great. It scared her. I found it crazy but then it hit me...I am HER baby. Which makes me think, I always wanted to go to NYC to live. Is this Sal's dream? Is it mine? Is Spain great because ANna wants it or on some level do I want their dreams to match mine? Whoa. That is a lot to think about. I want the best for them right? OR do I want big dreams for both of us?
I do feel NYC is my second home. One summer I am gonna rent an apartment and live there. Don't know when but soon....People tell me all the time I should always start a business of doing NYC tours. Sounds great but could I do it for $ when doing it for love of my big girl and my mom is trying enough? Maybe....if the price is right....
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Serenity & choices & voices
I love Tuesdays. It is al-anon day which means I always get new wisdom & am reminded of old. Old: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. New: Even when someone else's choices do not include me (ouch! That always hurts!), I can still CHOOSE to love BOTH of us by letting go & letting God loosen the ties that BIND ME to sadness & frustration. Wow. Yeah, read it again.
I looooooove that quote in "The King's Sppech". "You have a voice. It deserves to be heard. Find a friend to hear it." Cool new friend Julie told me today my voice makes her smile. This made me smile. I have struggled to find that voice. This was a happy.
Expectations are preconceived resentments. Another al-anon gem. Been thinking about that. Planned this trip for Sal & my mon & I need to not EXPECT them to react to all my hard work a certain way. Whoa. Yep...one day at a time....
I looooooove that quote in "The King's Sppech". "You have a voice. It deserves to be heard. Find a friend to hear it." Cool new friend Julie told me today my voice makes her smile. This made me smile. I have struggled to find that voice. This was a happy.
Expectations are preconceived resentments. Another al-anon gem. Been thinking about that. Planned this trip for Sal & my mon & I need to not EXPECT them to react to all my hard work a certain way. Whoa. Yep...one day at a time....
Monday, March 14, 2011
Style & growing old
Thie weekend was busy. Middle girl at 13 made cheer....yeah Tay! Went to help Annabeth as she recovers from rotator cuff surgery. On Friday it was my job to remove dressing & clean area. She was oh so cavalier and suggested she just stand by sofa & I just rip it off. Me, the more experienced post-op girl suggested sitting. Soon she saw why...she got faint. Revealing new wounds takes you down & fast. I snickered slightly inwardly at my vast knowledge. I also snickered at this glimpse of us to come in our golden years caring for each other. My heart smiled. We have done this for 34 years & will continue for many more...
Worked at the crack I mean Cosmetic Market. Eight and a half hours on my feet but the joy of seeing how the simple act of makeup transforms...lifts...lightens....a small but powerful thing.
Amazing Kim came and further shopped & organized my closet. She made me see things in such a way I may not have to buy clothes for a year! She has this gift for reading a person & their personality & styling their clothes to match that. Really inspiring....
Funny how old friends and new style really are warm & fuzzy...
Worked at the crack I mean Cosmetic Market. Eight and a half hours on my feet but the joy of seeing how the simple act of makeup transforms...lifts...lightens....a small but powerful thing.
Amazing Kim came and further shopped & organized my closet. She made me see things in such a way I may not have to buy clothes for a year! She has this gift for reading a person & their personality & styling their clothes to match that. Really inspiring....
Funny how old friends and new style really are warm & fuzzy...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Beth cubed (or silver & gold part 2)
Thanks to Johnny for the inspiration for the title today. When he was visiting us, he called baby girl Beebe b squared :). So cute.
I am in Nashville at Annabeth's. I have heard it said you never forget the first time you meet people who will change your life. I met Annabeth the first day of sixth grade. She had on this shirt that said "Beth" on it that was spelled out with people bending into letter shapes. She said her sister had made it. I always wanted a sister and I wanted boobs which she already had.
On the way over here I was listening to old music I had been downloading. I kept listening to the Indigo Girls. John Stroud and I used to go hear them in dive bars before they were big. I bought my first cassette of their music from them directly. It was about the only cool thing we ever did as a dating couple.
Closer to Fine is the story of the three Beths in my life.
"The best thing you ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously".... I was the perfect child...never step out of the box. Annabeth made me Oreo cars, laugh at myself, and laugh at life in general. She brought such loud laughter into my life. She plastered red lipstick on me before leaving the church after I married John with her requisite "you will thank me one day" response. I will thank her for everything til the day I die.
"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that' hard to hear". When I was in college, darkness overcame me my first year. Enter Little Beth. All 4'10" of her body loved me & taught me not to give into the darkness but listen for the light. Saved me in many ways. She is the most mature & kind person. Always has been.
"I wrap my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it. I'm crawling on YOUR shores". My big girl has had the same bff for years. Five years ago her friend's mom, Sweet Beth, came into my life. She has walked with me as I cast off fear and let me have a safe place to land. Safety. Sweetness. Freedom.
"Closer to Fine" is repeated over and over. My friend Nancy has been in my life for 12 years. Her big girl bit my number 3 baby and we have been buds since. She is a fierce lioness who always makes sure I am "fine".
One is silver...the other gold...closer to fine.....
I am in Nashville at Annabeth's. I have heard it said you never forget the first time you meet people who will change your life. I met Annabeth the first day of sixth grade. She had on this shirt that said "Beth" on it that was spelled out with people bending into letter shapes. She said her sister had made it. I always wanted a sister and I wanted boobs which she already had.
On the way over here I was listening to old music I had been downloading. I kept listening to the Indigo Girls. John Stroud and I used to go hear them in dive bars before they were big. I bought my first cassette of their music from them directly. It was about the only cool thing we ever did as a dating couple.
Closer to Fine is the story of the three Beths in my life.
"The best thing you ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously".... I was the perfect child...never step out of the box. Annabeth made me Oreo cars, laugh at myself, and laugh at life in general. She brought such loud laughter into my life. She plastered red lipstick on me before leaving the church after I married John with her requisite "you will thank me one day" response. I will thank her for everything til the day I die.
"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that' hard to hear". When I was in college, darkness overcame me my first year. Enter Little Beth. All 4'10" of her body loved me & taught me not to give into the darkness but listen for the light. Saved me in many ways. She is the most mature & kind person. Always has been.
"I wrap my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it. I'm crawling on YOUR shores". My big girl has had the same bff for years. Five years ago her friend's mom, Sweet Beth, came into my life. She has walked with me as I cast off fear and let me have a safe place to land. Safety. Sweetness. Freedom.
"Closer to Fine" is repeated over and over. My friend Nancy has been in my life for 12 years. Her big girl bit my number 3 baby and we have been buds since. She is a fierce lioness who always makes sure I am "fine".
One is silver...the other gold...closer to fine.....
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
There is no little grief....
Two musings on grief today...
I had lunch with an old,dear friend today. We have raised our babies together. We have laughed together, cried together, made many memories. It was gray outside...we were a little gray. I was struck by how easy it is to be in a funk with an old friend. Gray felt more comfortable in her prescence....no shame, no judgment, just safe.
Baby girl and I were at drama club. Temporary Home was playing. The verse about the man dying in the hospital started. My eleven year old nuzzled into my chest and began to weep. My daddy adored her & she adored him. They were best buds. Her grief swept over me. I could only remind her how much Pockey loved her & how safe he is.
No little grief...
I had lunch with an old,dear friend today. We have raised our babies together. We have laughed together, cried together, made many memories. It was gray outside...we were a little gray. I was struck by how easy it is to be in a funk with an old friend. Gray felt more comfortable in her prescence....no shame, no judgment, just safe.
Baby girl and I were at drama club. Temporary Home was playing. The verse about the man dying in the hospital started. My eleven year old nuzzled into my chest and began to weep. My daddy adored her & she adored him. They were best buds. Her grief swept over me. I could only remind her how much Pockey loved her & how safe he is.
No little grief...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
One is silver and the other gold....
Big girl brought home two new college friends last night. They are adorable & I am thankful she continues to make great friend choices. She did usher me out of their movie party telling me I talk way too much but then also telling me she loves me. Whoa! It hit me.....she is moving on! It also got me thinking about that sappy song about old friends & new friends....
One of the friends Anna brought home last night will be her roommate next year. Her daddy was a fraternity brother of my beloved Paramore so it really got me thinking about him & Cath my college roommate.
I met Cath in my one math class at Auburn & immediately wanted to be her friend cause she was so dang cute!!! We ended up being fast friends & little sisters at the same fraternity & eventually roommates. The real deal about Cath is she is the most talented artists I personally know & when she loves you,it is a fierce,protective love. When I write everyday I sit in a chair looking directly at an etching she did of a little pony-tailed girl staring at the ocean wrapped in a towel. It may be my favorite piece I own. I can she this little girl longs to go conquer the waves one more time but is clinging to the warmth of her towel. Go? Do it? Stay warm? Stay safe? Venture on? Gosh! It is so what life is to me. Cath is physically so beautiful. God has called her to be single. Once again, God did not ask for my help. There are days when I secretly long for her life...when I am spent with the demands of little & big girls. Then there are days when someone snuggles up to you on the sofa & just stays. Here is the deal...Cath never complains, leads an incredibly full life & is the world's best aunt. She rocks....and she is my friend. I love her so bad....
I met Paramore the first day of college walking to class with our mutual friend. He had a smile that made me want sunglasses & made me laugh so hard my body quaked. We both made War Eagle Girls & Plainsmen (big deal if you did not go to Auburn). He also became student government VP. Once we made WEGP, we were together a lot. I was a complete mess by this time. I was the hamster on the wheel....who could I please,what did my parents think,what could I achieve so I could feel alright about myself. That group, and especially Paramore, became my safety net. I had never been loved and accepted by a more electic,successful,amazing group of people. Paramore walked me through some dark times & eventually we would date. We have different stories regarding the full romantic nature of this but of course, I am right. We talked on the phone or in person everyday. He quickly became my heart's friend. Months into this whatever relationship, he told me he could not see me or spend time with me anymore. My recollection is it was said in an angry tone of voice & right after a kiss. Not wasting your time with his memory because I did not drink in college. Of course he did.
My heart was broken. Much more over the fact that I would not have him in my life everyday. I missed my happy heart that he created. Weeks later..yep weeks not days....he picked me up for ice cream and told me he did not know what would ever happen with us romantically but we would be in each other's lives forever. My heart exploded....it was so overjoyed. We went on to make amazing memories together...Tina Turner...New Year's Eve...Cotton Bowl. He one time placed a "desperately seeking" ad in the AU newspaper cause I loved Madonna & we had seen her movie.I had a safe place with Paramore. He saw through me but loved me. He was the one person who ever confronted me regarding my eating disorder...through me but loved.
He would leave me at Auburn to go to his first job. He would criticize my romantic choices and keep me in check with weekly phone calls. He was in Atlanta & I missed him. The short version is we went through a bad phase were he questioned our romantic relationship. It wasn't a pretty time but he apologized & got us back on track.
Ok,so the Reader's Digest Condensed Version is I would have married him. He gave me no choice. He was so cute & made me see how stupid all my other romantic choices were, he made me laugh, he kept me safe, he made me feel loved. He knew I would have. He put some distance between us to protect me, to do the ultimate act of love. I met the love of my life and did marry him.
Here is the heart of the heart...Paramore would come out within my first year of marriage. He could have used me. I would have been a good cover wife. We would have laughed & made others laugh...we would have presented well. He knew I would have said yes...not because of some great physical,chemical,romance but because of our deep friendship & love for each other. He did the ultimate loving thing...he stepped back for a while. When I see Brokeback Mountain I weep. The first time I saw it, I called Paramore sobbing so badly he left a meeting to talk to me. The scene where Michelle Williams sees Heath Ledger with Jake Gyllenhal and knows,KNOWS undid me. It would have been my story & the one person who would have benefitted from it being my story chose to protect me.
When Paramore's truth came out, I told him he would never be out of our famiy's life. My children adore him. His partner Jonathan is the best person you could hope to know.
John & I would probably be portrayed by our media as right wing, born again Christians. We are Christians but not militant right wingers. Paramore & his friends would be portrayed as left wing promiscuous gay rights proponents. They are so not. At a party at his house years ago one of his friends said a very profound statement, "if we had a party with all your friends and all of ours we could find so much common ground". Wow. John & I made a decision early on that we would not raise homophobic kids. I am so thankful Paramore has embraced my kids & loved them well. Funny side note, Sally at eight asked John why all of Paramore's friends were so pretty. I think it is sad that our current political environment is not conducive to sitting down and finding common goals & solutions....just saying....
We did meet criticism for our no-homophobic-kids policy. One lovely fellow church member in Birmingham said it was our Christian duty to raise homophones. Seriously??? My logical response is relationship always trumps belief systems when it comes to fellow human beings. We have family members who would not attend a fellow family member's reception because champagne was served. Seriously???
Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. As cheesey as it is, the song does not say which is silver and which is gold.
My life is richer,fuller,happier....my kids's lives are also. Silver...gold.....gotta love both....
One of the friends Anna brought home last night will be her roommate next year. Her daddy was a fraternity brother of my beloved Paramore so it really got me thinking about him & Cath my college roommate.
I met Cath in my one math class at Auburn & immediately wanted to be her friend cause she was so dang cute!!! We ended up being fast friends & little sisters at the same fraternity & eventually roommates. The real deal about Cath is she is the most talented artists I personally know & when she loves you,it is a fierce,protective love. When I write everyday I sit in a chair looking directly at an etching she did of a little pony-tailed girl staring at the ocean wrapped in a towel. It may be my favorite piece I own. I can she this little girl longs to go conquer the waves one more time but is clinging to the warmth of her towel. Go? Do it? Stay warm? Stay safe? Venture on? Gosh! It is so what life is to me. Cath is physically so beautiful. God has called her to be single. Once again, God did not ask for my help. There are days when I secretly long for her life...when I am spent with the demands of little & big girls. Then there are days when someone snuggles up to you on the sofa & just stays. Here is the deal...Cath never complains, leads an incredibly full life & is the world's best aunt. She rocks....and she is my friend. I love her so bad....
I met Paramore the first day of college walking to class with our mutual friend. He had a smile that made me want sunglasses & made me laugh so hard my body quaked. We both made War Eagle Girls & Plainsmen (big deal if you did not go to Auburn). He also became student government VP. Once we made WEGP, we were together a lot. I was a complete mess by this time. I was the hamster on the wheel....who could I please,what did my parents think,what could I achieve so I could feel alright about myself. That group, and especially Paramore, became my safety net. I had never been loved and accepted by a more electic,successful,amazing group of people. Paramore walked me through some dark times & eventually we would date. We have different stories regarding the full romantic nature of this but of course, I am right. We talked on the phone or in person everyday. He quickly became my heart's friend. Months into this whatever relationship, he told me he could not see me or spend time with me anymore. My recollection is it was said in an angry tone of voice & right after a kiss. Not wasting your time with his memory because I did not drink in college. Of course he did.
My heart was broken. Much more over the fact that I would not have him in my life everyday. I missed my happy heart that he created. Weeks later..yep weeks not days....he picked me up for ice cream and told me he did not know what would ever happen with us romantically but we would be in each other's lives forever. My heart exploded....it was so overjoyed. We went on to make amazing memories together...Tina Turner...New Year's Eve...Cotton Bowl. He one time placed a "desperately seeking" ad in the AU newspaper cause I loved Madonna & we had seen her movie.I had a safe place with Paramore. He saw through me but loved me. He was the one person who ever confronted me regarding my eating disorder...through me but loved.
He would leave me at Auburn to go to his first job. He would criticize my romantic choices and keep me in check with weekly phone calls. He was in Atlanta & I missed him. The short version is we went through a bad phase were he questioned our romantic relationship. It wasn't a pretty time but he apologized & got us back on track.
Ok,so the Reader's Digest Condensed Version is I would have married him. He gave me no choice. He was so cute & made me see how stupid all my other romantic choices were, he made me laugh, he kept me safe, he made me feel loved. He knew I would have. He put some distance between us to protect me, to do the ultimate act of love. I met the love of my life and did marry him.
Here is the heart of the heart...Paramore would come out within my first year of marriage. He could have used me. I would have been a good cover wife. We would have laughed & made others laugh...we would have presented well. He knew I would have said yes...not because of some great physical,chemical,romance but because of our deep friendship & love for each other. He did the ultimate loving thing...he stepped back for a while. When I see Brokeback Mountain I weep. The first time I saw it, I called Paramore sobbing so badly he left a meeting to talk to me. The scene where Michelle Williams sees Heath Ledger with Jake Gyllenhal and knows,KNOWS undid me. It would have been my story & the one person who would have benefitted from it being my story chose to protect me.
When Paramore's truth came out, I told him he would never be out of our famiy's life. My children adore him. His partner Jonathan is the best person you could hope to know.
John & I would probably be portrayed by our media as right wing, born again Christians. We are Christians but not militant right wingers. Paramore & his friends would be portrayed as left wing promiscuous gay rights proponents. They are so not. At a party at his house years ago one of his friends said a very profound statement, "if we had a party with all your friends and all of ours we could find so much common ground". Wow. John & I made a decision early on that we would not raise homophobic kids. I am so thankful Paramore has embraced my kids & loved them well. Funny side note, Sally at eight asked John why all of Paramore's friends were so pretty. I think it is sad that our current political environment is not conducive to sitting down and finding common goals & solutions....just saying....
We did meet criticism for our no-homophobic-kids policy. One lovely fellow church member in Birmingham said it was our Christian duty to raise homophones. Seriously??? My logical response is relationship always trumps belief systems when it comes to fellow human beings. We have family members who would not attend a fellow family member's reception because champagne was served. Seriously???
Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. As cheesey as it is, the song does not say which is silver and which is gold.
My life is richer,fuller,happier....my kids's lives are also. Silver...gold.....gotta love both....
Friday, March 4, 2011
God's faithfulness, friends & crack houses
Thursday are Bible Study Fellowship days (BSF in church speak). Thought I camped on today: Our confidence does not lie in our faithfulness to God, but in HIS great faithfulness to us. This is the dark spot in my heart...get ready.....turn on some bright lights.....I sometimes think God is lucky to have me on His team. Ouch! S-I-C-K!!! Me in all my brokenness thinks God is lucky. C-R-A-Z-Y! I am amazed at how faithful he remains to me in midst if my stuff!
I have had the same best friend since I was twelve. We have been BFF's for 34 years (yeah quick do the math- I am old). Her precious daddy loves to tell the story how she came home in sixth grade and exclaimed, "I hate that Merrile Phillips! She thinks she is so smart!". Then two weeks later he couldn't get us off the phone. She makes my heart smile. We love the same things yet are different. Yep, we "complete each other". She is having a rotator cuff repaired next week. She has never had surgery...me,had lots. She is nervous. I tell her just get past the IV. (cannot do anything that involves my veins). But here is the heart of the heart, she makes my world so much better, sweeter, richer. Just like when Tucker had surgery, I start to tense up. She has a part of my heart. I never could imagine life without John Stroud but I also could never imagine life without my girlfriends. There are some parts of life only my girlfriends can get & reason through with me. She will be fine I know but my heart will be a little nervous until I know she is in recovery. Of course, since God is so lucky to have me, He will be all over it that day (read the heavy sarcasm please).
I think it is only fair to tell you why I am so fortunate to have my wonderful part time job at the Cosmetic Market. I was such a loyal customer, I was on the top 10 customer list & there so often my friends called it my "crack house". Yep. True story. John Stroud said if I never made money there the discount alone was payment. Sad but true. And my make up is always clean and organized....wish all my cabinets were. Funny how OCD I am about somethings and so not about others. Well I am happily enjoying the "crack house".....think you need to be an addict too.
Big girl brings home college friends this weekend....baby girl spends night at a friend's house.....how did I get here in the blink of one sleep....
I have had the same best friend since I was twelve. We have been BFF's for 34 years (yeah quick do the math- I am old). Her precious daddy loves to tell the story how she came home in sixth grade and exclaimed, "I hate that Merrile Phillips! She thinks she is so smart!". Then two weeks later he couldn't get us off the phone. She makes my heart smile. We love the same things yet are different. Yep, we "complete each other". She is having a rotator cuff repaired next week. She has never had surgery...me,had lots. She is nervous. I tell her just get past the IV. (cannot do anything that involves my veins). But here is the heart of the heart, she makes my world so much better, sweeter, richer. Just like when Tucker had surgery, I start to tense up. She has a part of my heart. I never could imagine life without John Stroud but I also could never imagine life without my girlfriends. There are some parts of life only my girlfriends can get & reason through with me. She will be fine I know but my heart will be a little nervous until I know she is in recovery. Of course, since God is so lucky to have me, He will be all over it that day (read the heavy sarcasm please).
I think it is only fair to tell you why I am so fortunate to have my wonderful part time job at the Cosmetic Market. I was such a loyal customer, I was on the top 10 customer list & there so often my friends called it my "crack house". Yep. True story. John Stroud said if I never made money there the discount alone was payment. Sad but true. And my make up is always clean and organized....wish all my cabinets were. Funny how OCD I am about somethings and so not about others. Well I am happily enjoying the "crack house".....think you need to be an addict too.
Big girl brings home college friends this weekend....baby girl spends night at a friend's house.....how did I get here in the blink of one sleep....
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wax museums, Spain & NYC
Today was the Wax Museum at my fifth graders school. It is the sweetest, cutest thing. The kids read a biography & do a poster presentation, dress as the person & memorize a one minute speech to recite when a person pushes the button and brings them "to life". As I walked in there were signs saying "Welcome to the 22nd Annual Wax Museum". My three older girls have all done this. As I walked into the gym, I started to cry. We leave the elementary school this year. I love this elementary school. No more babies.
My biggest girl was excepted into a program in Spain this summer. Always said I would encourage travel & study abroad. It was great in theory...sucks in reality. Number two daughter is seriously looking at schools in NYC. Great in theory...sucks in reality. I am thankful for Max, Mac & Carter.....my adopted "babies".....really thankful MC is pregnant so I can have another baby.
I love my Tucker. She is my adopted "mom". I truly love her like she is my real mom. She tried so kindly and sweetly to tell me to enjoy "the babies". I had four in seven years. I was surviving. I did not take it all in & enjoy. I said ugly things to Tucker in my head.
Hear me now....survival & diapers last a moment...now they are applying for passports & schools far away & going to middle school. A moment...a blink of an eye...a blur...a breath. Get help if you have to....anyone can fold laundry....no one can drink in every moment of a baby. One moment I can fix everything with a bandaid & a kiss. All of the sudden the problems are big & real life. I miss diapers & bandages somedays.....drink it in friends....
My biggest girl was excepted into a program in Spain this summer. Always said I would encourage travel & study abroad. It was great in theory...sucks in reality. Number two daughter is seriously looking at schools in NYC. Great in theory...sucks in reality. I am thankful for Max, Mac & Carter.....my adopted "babies".....really thankful MC is pregnant so I can have another baby.
I love my Tucker. She is my adopted "mom". I truly love her like she is my real mom. She tried so kindly and sweetly to tell me to enjoy "the babies". I had four in seven years. I was surviving. I did not take it all in & enjoy. I said ugly things to Tucker in my head.
Hear me now....survival & diapers last a moment...now they are applying for passports & schools far away & going to middle school. A moment...a blink of an eye...a blur...a breath. Get help if you have to....anyone can fold laundry....no one can drink in every moment of a baby. One moment I can fix everything with a bandaid & a kiss. All of the sudden the problems are big & real life. I miss diapers & bandages somedays.....drink it in friends....
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Closed doors & opened windows
I think it is probably only fair to say why I lobe the Oscars so much. Yes my parents loved the arts- all kinds but this is embarassing so here goes....I wanted to be a movie star. Yep. I did. I grew up and got a little wiser and thought I could not make it in film but I could be Jane Pauley on the Today Show.
Worked hard at Auburn (War Eagle!) and thought I might could get into graduate school at Northwestern where Jane went. To make me go on a blind date with someone, my mom said ,"he went to Northwester". She did not even know said man, he was the son of a friend. I went. C+ date at best. He asked to call me at school that week. He did. A+ date. I told my daddy I was gonna marry him. Close door on Northwestern. Open door on marriage.
I struggled with a severe eating disorder in college. I was an open walking wound. It resurfaced big time six months into our marriage as did the deepest, most suicidal depression. I ended up in the hospital. Do not play the "our first year of marriage sucked" game with us. We always win. Close door on happy,perfect marriage. Open door on brokenness and healing.
The type of eating disorder I had should have made me infertile. Close door on great fear. Open door on four amazing young girls.
Years of God healing wound after wound. Great therapy. Great doctors. Close door on gaping hole in soul. Open door on wholeness.
Just so you realize God is not finished here, he never is this side of heaven....I still struggle with wanting every human being to looooooove me & approve of me. I over-personalize a lot & have way too strong a sense of justice for everyone but me & John & my girls. Recent example...I became a runner in 2001 because be love Kristy got a running group up with the amazing Liz & Andrea. We started with 10k's and worked our way up to a full 26.2 marathon. I loved running...I love those women more. In 2009 I had to have my entire bladder support system rebuilt due to my past abuse from the eating disorder. Close door on running. Open door on yoga.
I set out to be a yoga rock star. I was gonna be the bomb. I trained, I took seminars, gave up weeks of time. There was no room at inn at the time I was coming along but there was this opportunity to teach classes at blue cross blue shield. I jumped on that, anxious to start. I did not know that those classes and those beautiful people would become the greatest job in my 23 year fitness career history. Close door on a rock star with a mic. Open window on pure blessing.
Life is never easy but I am thankful His window opening power is always evident to me.
Worked hard at Auburn (War Eagle!) and thought I might could get into graduate school at Northwestern where Jane went. To make me go on a blind date with someone, my mom said ,"he went to Northwester". She did not even know said man, he was the son of a friend. I went. C+ date at best. He asked to call me at school that week. He did. A+ date. I told my daddy I was gonna marry him. Close door on Northwestern. Open door on marriage.
I struggled with a severe eating disorder in college. I was an open walking wound. It resurfaced big time six months into our marriage as did the deepest, most suicidal depression. I ended up in the hospital. Do not play the "our first year of marriage sucked" game with us. We always win. Close door on happy,perfect marriage. Open door on brokenness and healing.
The type of eating disorder I had should have made me infertile. Close door on great fear. Open door on four amazing young girls.
Years of God healing wound after wound. Great therapy. Great doctors. Close door on gaping hole in soul. Open door on wholeness.
Just so you realize God is not finished here, he never is this side of heaven....I still struggle with wanting every human being to looooooove me & approve of me. I over-personalize a lot & have way too strong a sense of justice for everyone but me & John & my girls. Recent example...I became a runner in 2001 because be love Kristy got a running group up with the amazing Liz & Andrea. We started with 10k's and worked our way up to a full 26.2 marathon. I loved running...I love those women more. In 2009 I had to have my entire bladder support system rebuilt due to my past abuse from the eating disorder. Close door on running. Open door on yoga.
I set out to be a yoga rock star. I was gonna be the bomb. I trained, I took seminars, gave up weeks of time. There was no room at inn at the time I was coming along but there was this opportunity to teach classes at blue cross blue shield. I jumped on that, anxious to start. I did not know that those classes and those beautiful people would become the greatest job in my 23 year fitness career history. Close door on a rock star with a mic. Open window on pure blessing.
Life is never easy but I am thankful His window opening power is always evident to me.
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