And the Tony goes to.....

Last night the Tony Awards were presented in NYC. I sat glued to my television for almost four hours. I have been blessed to see a lot of theatre this year. I knew the shows, the songs, the performances.

I saw "Matilda" in London. I wept. I laughed. I gasped at the stunts. Here's why it gets me...."just because life's not fair it doesn't mean you have to grin and bear it, if you always take it on the chin and bare it, nothing will change. Nobody else is gonna turn it right for me, nobody but ME is gonna change my story." See that is a month of Al-Anon meetings in one song.  Just read it again & let it seep into your being.

I saw "Kinky Boots" with the Fab Four no-longer runners running group. This is basically a story of forgiveness and reconciliation. It's the coming to face that sometimes we think others need forgiving but really, we are the. Ones who need forgiving.

I love the theatrical arts. I played show tunes for my babies at two. They all sing beautifully. I don't. They get acting. I like to think I do. Many times people say I'm a great stage mom. I don't like that. I can't live through my girls on stage because those aren't my gifts. But do I show up? Do I cheer loudly? Oh you bet. I love they sing a line from a show to answer any question or finish a thought.

I want to live in NYC for a season. It's hard because I have this core belief that once you have kids your choices and dreams are limited to their precious lives.  O e of my BFF's said I had the best of both worlds- here and NYC. She is right. I wouldn't take anything for this community that has shaped our family but man, these vagabond blues....,

So I sing a little louder today. I smile at someone not like me at all and speak. How could you not love the Tony's????? Don't we all just kinda shine????

My decreasing value

Lately I have been an Instagram & Facebook fiend to share pictures of my travels with my out of town peeps. I enjoyed the comments and the love but it hit me like a freezing shower when I posted the following quote: "your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth".

It obviously hit a chord. Everyone obviously has a story.

I love my friends. I sometimes stare at the amazing, eclectic batch of people who make up my "innermost circle" and cannot believe these people love me.  The one hushed secret that really is not that secret is several of these people do not share my faith, my political views, my sexuality.  And the sometimes frightening thing is the people who do not share my faith sometimes love me better than those who do. It has made me think. As it started to really harden my heart, John Stroud made a startlingly clear observation: I have a large circle that if I go down, they will show up. That's the blessing- they all would show up. Regardless of our differences- they show up.

It still unsettles me that sometimes the "evangelicals" shoot their own wounded more than any other group. Does it mean they all do? No. I guess I have set them up to a higher standard but my core belief is we are all lost and all in this mess together so therefore, they shouldn't behave any differently. So maybe my vision is part of my issue.

I saw Alan Cumming do "Macbeth" solo on stage. He could convey all those characters in under two hours. It was amazing. I'm an obsessed fan. But there's my point: we all play characters and we all are capable of turning on a dime.  That includes me.

"Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality". Let's all say a hearty amen.

The end of wanderlusty mommy

The past two years have been unusual in my travel world. I've gone places and done things I never thought I would.  Recently a mutual Facebook friend of mine and big girl number one mentioned some of Annabanana 's pix made her all wanderlusty.  It got me thinking.

I thought at eighteen I needed to go far away, be different, see the world. I was wrong. I went to the school down the road that changed my life for good. The people I needed where there, not a world away.

My two big girls have been far away and doing exciting things. People constantly ask if I'm so proud or if I'm scared. Both are true but I'm more proud. Allow me this on Mother's Day, it's not where they have been or what they are "doing with their lives" that makes me proud, what makes me proud is the women they are, the way they love each other, have each others' backs and cheer each other on to big things. Today at lunch they went around telling me why they loved me. Tay admitted she didn't want to say in youth group "my mom teaches yoga and is hip". We all laughed. I loved it. Annabanana said she loves how I go into attack mode if someone is mean to her. Beebs said I'm just so caring and there. Sal misses me. My girls have fulfilled my old wanderlusty desires on so many levels.

Recently someone told me several reasons why they could not, nor wanted to be my friend. It's a hard pill to swallow.  I keep saying all the Al-Anon things I know to be true (someone's opinion of you does not make it your reality,etc,etc). Today I saw my life, my loves, my story and it was good. It was safe. It was true.

Whenever any Stroud mentions our NYC Elizabeth, everyone says "I love her so much". She suggested a movie. "Safety Not Guaranteed". Watch it. There is a quote in the end that summed this all up to me. My girls. John Stroud. My travels. Meeting Alan Cumming (I'm his biggest fan if you didn't know). My story. And this is it-

"To go it alone or to go it with a partner....when you choose a partner you have compromises & sacrifices, but it is a price you pay. Do I want to follow every whim & desire I have as I make my way through time & space? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, do I need someone who when it gets hot has my back? I do."

Wanderlust came at the right time, as did the right peeps.

Collision of Two Worlds

I just returned from a week long visit to my big girl in London. I am proud of all my girls for very different reasons but this girl, wow, this girl. She has become a Londoner. She knows the hotspots. She found a church with locals who love Jesus and love socialism. She is her own person. She loves theatre and it ROCKS there.

Yes I met Helen Mirren after her incredible play. Yes we saw Matilda. Yes we saw amazing art and markets and stayed up late and laughed. But she is my best thing tonight because she gets loving theatre for arts sake, loving having homosexual friends, a good ale, oh AND Jesus.

We saw a live Passion Play in Trafalgar Square. I wept. Jesus walking through the crowd. Healing. Compassion. Warmth. Big girl called it the collision of two worlds. Yes. Yes. And isn't life?

Sweet Beth always said we raised girls that are the girls we wish we had been at that age. Here's the heart of the matter- she said she had become me. Whoa. No. Collision. She is so wise and fun and free and alive. I still get scared. A friend's strong opinion makes me second guess who I am for a moment. Then I remember "no one is gonna write my story". That's Matilda folks. (It's in NYC now and RUN RUN to NYC and see it).

It is a collision. I have wanted these four amazing girls to be comfortable in their own skin and then this beautiful girl says she likes wearing mine.

Breathe in. Breathe out. This collision isn't hurting quite so bad....

Big girl number 2 conquers NYC like she's always lived there. Number three flips and is a baby whisperer. Number four takes incredible photos and writes.

John Stroud loves big.

Colliding now feels ok......

Fiddler on the Roof and mental illness...

I turned on the tv this afternoon on Turner Classic Movies and low and behold, Fiddler was on. Three years ago all four girls were in the amazing CCS production. Big girl number one was  Golde. It's my favorite classical musical.  Baby girl even started watching it with me. It's "our" musical- all girls, a REAL marriage, pain, faith.

It got me thinking about why art speaks to me....like why I'm obsessed with Silver Linings.  Those who hold me up & are in my innermost circle know I have a depressive disorder. The exact diagnosis is cyclothymia which basically means my thyroid is involved & I am one step removed from the mildest form of bipolar disorder. So basically my moods swing sometimes. I love Silver Linings showed the truth & the hope. This weekend has been a big "up" and I want to share aspects of it incase you know someone who struggles with any form, no matter how mild, of mental illness.

My Nancy showed up with yellow roses and yellow EVERYTHING to bring sunshine to me but also to acknowledge the sunshine I bring her & others. When you struggle to maintain a socially acceptable level of "up" and someone acknowledges you for that, it's huge, life giving and affirming.

Both big girls randomly sent messages vis varying social medians to proclaim their love & pride of me.  All I ever wanted to do was raise four girls well. That and be Julia Roberts.

My blue cross blue shield students showed up in mass to a yoga party downtown. They publicly proclaimed  the "blessing" (their word) that I have been.  Salve to a tired soul.

I sat at a baby shower for my sweet friend who has been trying to conceive for TEN years. Joy. Blessing. Life.

I sat a breakfast with my running partner who could speak truth into my life, love into my heart, and give the exact advice because she KNOWS me & my tendencies.

What I've come to realize is the truth in what my Al-Anon hero says over and over "life and more of it".  As Fiddler says, "To LIFE!".

I'm thankful for the people who pour life into me and so make my journey more beautiful & full &. Colorful.

Stepping outside the box...

I know I am a slow learner. I keep learning the same lesson over and over about my comfort zone. Each time something's seems scary, weird or not my "norm" I tend to tense up and back away. Yet everytime I don't and as Sweet Beth says "fly fearlessly" ahead, I end up being more blessed, lighter, happier. I try to tell my girls this yet I forget it all the time.

This year I was persuaded to lead a group of college girls to walk out community, in the flesh, raw, broken flesh. This was terrifying. What I they hated each other or WORSE, hated me.  For seven weeks we took turns telling our stories. I forgot the power of a person's story, the unmasked version. I forgot the power of being heard. "That may be your story but it doesn't make it your truth," Galinda tells Elphaba in "Wicked".

To say my life is fuller is like saying I have four girls. It is my factual existence now. These girls have sung music into my heart in places I didn't even realize had gone numb from lack of tunes. The way they love each other so well just shocks me. We found home in a quiet, unknown little cabin. I didn't even know I needed a respite.  Funny, I needed community that didn't look like what I thought it would.  Funny, outside my comfort zone always looks a little funny at first....

Why can't I have Jennifer Lawrence's life?

One of the big girls posed that question to me last night. I smiled big. I remember being in my twenties wanting to be Julia Roberts. That was a looooooong time ago and her is what I would say to my daughter or to my twenty year old self.

1. Don't ever get on the comparison train. DON'T. There will always be someone smarter, taller, thinner, more beautiful, funnier, richer, more talented, etc, etc, etc.  Learn to be grateful for the gifts a big God gave you. Learn to be comfortable quickly in your own skin.

2. Don't take yourself too seriously.

3. Forgive quickly. Find stories of redemption, reconciliation, restoration and cling to them with grateful hands.

4. Don't hold grudges.

5. Surround yourself with real friends. Friends that come sit in the pit and say, "this mud sucks". Friends that cheer the red carpet moments.  Make sure they are the truth-tellers and mirror-holder-uppers in your life.

6. The secret to a happy marriage is marrying well. It's the most important decision of your life.

7. Own a dress that everytime you put it on you feel like you are on the red carpet. Get the shoes too.

8. Listen. Show up. Listen some more. Show up.

9. Choose fearlessness, not fearful.

So it might not be Julia's or Jennnifer's life but it will be rich, colorful,full, and real.  And don't forget the dress.....

Barely breathing

It took me months to come up and inhale. When you have the same BFF from twelve to present, her mother changes your life. Ellie died. It looks innocent in black and white but in color, it rocked my world. Ellie made my childhood big,bold, colorful, happy. I hope I see her fingerprints on my parenting. I know now of countless sacrifices Ellie made for us. No death has ever hurt more. None. Nada.

Big girls in NYC and London. It's quieter. No one holds my hand in yoga. No one goes to movies on a whim. But little girls shine a little brighter. That helps.

Acquired six more college girls this year. Gave into pressure to lead a core group of college girls at UTC.  BEST. BLESSING. EVER.  I learn something every week. My heart is full.

It's Oscar time. Seriously my fav time of year. I think I need an intervention. I bought nail polish, a trench, and long leather gloves because some of my favorite actors or their characters wore them.

Breathe in....breathe out

I am breathing again

So I took a break. Haven't written in forever. Ellie died. That seems so innocent a statement in black and white. In the color of my life, it's overwhelming. When you have the same BFF from twelve on, her mother molds you. I pray Ellie molded me. I see her fingerprints in my parenting. I don't mind mess if there's laughter. I loved her. It's the saddest I've ever been at a death. Ever. And I've lost a "real" parent. Ellie was the most real. Lately I've learned of sacrifices she made to make Annabeth's and my world intact. I miss her a lot.

Big girls are in NYC & London. You live to launch these girls and then you kinda grieve. No one holds my hand in corpse pose in yoga. No one goes to a movie at the drop of a hat. It's quiet but it allows room for little girls to explore who they are in a quieter, bigger space.

The great man that has our hearts got a promotion & it has been interesting how differently some people act. But we are still those people. My friend Jamie has written a lyrical book called "I Want to Show you More". Read it. It's made me see Lookout Mountain in a different way. I kinda get the reaction now.

I am breathing again. In...out.....in....out.  Ellie is gone. Sweet Beth is in Houston. Runner Liz is in Savannah.  I couldn't catch my breath it was too much. "What defines us is not our falling but how we rise". "Fell down. Got up. Good for me".  In....out...

Ne pleur pas parce que c'est finis, sours parce que ca c'est passé.

Yes it is in French. It is baby girl's fav Dr. Seuss quote, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened". She quoted it in tears the night the high school play closed. She and big girl number two were amazing, in my humble opinion, stole the entire show. Baby girl was sad cause she loved her new high school friends.

I was also sad but a little excited because it meant I could get ready for NYC and France. Still kinda makes a lump in my throat that big girl number two is gonna live there. Full time. A new Yorker....... So mom and two big girls trip rocked. Big girl one met Katie Holmes. Lots time with our Elizabeth...lunch with Jessica...and Darcy found the prom dress to end all prom dresses. Live was grand.

France was everything it should be. I am thankful for John Stroud but really thankful for the world's best friend Liz who swooped in when our sitter had the flu. She didn't ask long she might be there, she just showed up. The great Anna Quindlen, says that's the best things people do, show up. Nancy and Erica showed up for our cheerleader trying out while I was in Paris. Hit my knees in flagship Louis Vuitton store sobbing upon her good news. Very Parisienne. You never stop being a mom. Showing up still rocks my world.....

Having had the same BFF since I was twelve, her mom was a huge "shower up" in my life. Ellie was one of the few adults who looked me in the eye and told me I was pretty. She taught me to have fun and hang loose. She taught me there is little a hot chocolate chip cookie made from scratch cannot cure. She taught me dishes staying in sink are less important than late night laugh fests. She is nearing the end of her courageous battle against cancer. She is brave and fearless and my Ellie to the end. She is talking of how forward she is looking to heaven. That may be the single best definition of Dr. Seuss's quote I've ever heard............

And then there was vomit...

We had an incredibly bumpy ride into Atlanta last night & it really hit poor Beebs. After everyone had dep-planed Beebe began to vomit. The flight attendants were awesome and all vomit was contained. Poor baby praised me for not vomiting myself!

So in one week I did vomit, diarrhea, and urine. There was more vomit in the airport.

For years I have said, "I ran a marathon. I can do anything." Now I am going with the vomit, diarrhea, exploding zits, urine makes me invincible.

Invincible until I re-entered my culture. It has been hard. All day I have thought of Felder, Michela, Hugo...... Once again, I want my heart to stay broken. Broken but maybe with hot water....

And then my heart broke....

The first day of sit popping, Angie the American missionary on staff asked me to help a nine year old girl named Michela who was embarrassed by the bumps on her face. I was nervous because unlike the little ones I knew she would realize I was hurting her and it would kill me but I agreed because Angie said she so wanted the bumps gone. I knew it must be killing her as molluscum take deep popping. She said not a word until I was done and then said "thank you" in perfect English and threw her arms around my waist. I burst into tears and kissed her and told her she was beautiful.

Last night when we were driving to our hotel Beebe said she was most concerned about a nine year old. She said her name was Michela. Beebe shared she did not love me loving on "my" baby Felder- the five month old the size of a newborn. She shared she had to know if Michela had an adoptive family. Carlee shared her birth mother would not sign off on adoption but her father had. Many tears followed. Michela has a four year old brother. So if seems hopeless as Michela knows all her friends have places to go, moms with means. She begs to be adopted. We held her today and said our goodbyes. I held Felder and held his nanny and thanked her.

I have never walked in poverty but I have now seen it. I have fallen for these children. I left every material possession I could in Haiti. But mostly I left a piece of my heart. And it hurts. I know I will return....don't know when but know I will. I don't want my heart fixed. I want it to stay broken so I never forget the Michelas and the Felders....

And I am telling you...I am not changing diapers in Haiti

I really have not minded leaky diapers until Melinda and I were the only nannies for fifteen 12-24 month olds. I had six or seven babies in lap, between legs, on legs, etc. their smiles and pure joy were enough to make you cry. I just could not stop smiling. Then the smell was a little overwhelming. Melinda bravely attacked the diapers. I say bravely because they are cloth with mainly Velcro for holding them in place. It became comical as one after another the babies' diapers would fall & they would just carry them around in their little fists. We quickly found pins.

What completely undid me was I realized this is how I am before my father- stinky, diarrhea running down & he is smiling & enjoying me. He hates I am dirty because it is uncomfortable for me & NOT good for ME. Along comes a fellow traveler who helps clean me up. I need fellow travelers. When I return, the smiling father loves me not more because I am clean, but loves me as much when I am dirty. He is just so happy I am in a more healthy state.

I am a zit popper. My girls run from me. Three of my girls had molluscum, a skin virus you can apply expensive cream to remove or you can pop the entire volume of small bumps out & virus leaves the body. I learned how to effectively do that. Several babies here had molluscum and I became the official dermatologist. Who knew that would come in handy?!?!?

We leave tomorrow. This place has changed me for good. (note two musical theater references in one blog) It will be sad. Our friend Carlee's baby is not fully legally her's and she will have to leave him. I knew that would be hard but now I know it will be full out gut-wrenching. I know angry girl & selfish girl will always realistically rage battle inside me but at least they got a view from the rubble and tent cities and an orphanage.

Wanderlust and oh the places you will go....

I started thinking about wanderlust and its meaning a few weeks ago. John Stroud and I began to make plans to attend the annual Wanderlust yoga/music festival in Colorado with several friends. No one batted an eye at me going but it has been fun to watch people react to John Stroud attending. :)

I looked up wanderlust. It means to long to wander or rove. It implies longing for a place you are not currently. Our church lost a dear member a few weeks ago and at his service everyone spoke of his knowing his final home and his longing to be there yet live like one who was secure in that home. He did that...well.

I had already made plans to go to Haiti when I attended that service. I wanted to go because baby girl so wanted to go and serve in this orphanage. I wanted to go because I wanted to bury angry girl in the piles of rubble. So here we are. In Haiti. Yesterday I was covered in urine & diarrhea as I held children. I don't do smells well. I vomit if my girls or dogs vomit. I didn't smell anything. I have been overcome. This place should be completely hopeless. But it is not. I am completely hopeless unless I long for the calling of my final home.

The other thing I have learned is I need to leave selfish girl here..in the rubble. Selfish girl loooooves her own space, time, DVR, iPad, tv show, books, wine. All in all, none are bad things. It is my longing for them and my resentment when I do not get them.

Just so you know....the rumors of me becoming missionary girl are greatly exaggerated. This is it for a while. I will probably come back to this place but not soon. I am thankful for the short time I have been called as I see a bigger picture...a bigger world...a bigger need for me to long...wander....wanderlust....

Orphans & big cities & girls all around....

Christmas & New Year have passed. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wanna be that super mom so bad that does it all with a smile on her face, apron on her hips, stuff flying from the pinterest recipe she just completed. I am not that super girl.

So in two weeks I go to Haiti to work at an orphanage. Baby girl is going. Fearless leader Carlee met to brief me. Trash piles. 10 babies want you at once. They don't all get adopted. Whoa. This is gonna be hard. I went to Malaysia in October. I am not missionary girl. Be VERY clear- I am NOT that girl but I really started praying to not be ANGRY girl. Somehow stretching who I see as Merrile Girl minus Angry girl is new things seeping in. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe angry girl had to go away to meet merrilemusings mission girl.

Big girl got into NYC schools. She is gone. She is so city girl but she is my little girl. Who will do marathon movie time with me? Who will make me cry AND laugh A LOT in one day???? Sad happy scared excited ...... I reminded her mommies always get invited to award show :)

So mission girl is gearing up for OSCARS!!!! Announcement this Tuesday am. See mission girl is just kinda in my skin........pop culture girl is hard to crowd out & pinterest girl might fight you....

It's a bad day not a bad life & other pinterest wisdom

The year is ending. I think I have learned a lot this year. I have learned the amazing world of pinterest, needlepoint and letting some things just go.

I have a new house plan and all my weddings planned thanks to pinterest. I have cool Christmas gifts thanks to Miss Ann & her patient teaching. I have learned holding onto grudges is letting someone live rent free in my head & gut or as Sara says, "holding a hot coal in your hand while complaining that it hurts".

I prayed & longed to be less angry this year. What was given to me was this big idea: reconciliation & forgiveness, when sought & asked for by healthy people, is an incredibly beautiful thing. The people who seek this, matter, the people who do not, I need to release. Today....not tomorrow.

I started a gratitude journal. I need to be reminded cause I am super good at whining.

So here is to 2012. May we grow, pin away, stitch & love more....

Another year older...not so sure wiser

So I am officially in my late forties. My mother was a grandmother at my age. Whoa. Stop time. I have read the book One Thousand Gifts and it has made take stock of a year of lessons & blessings.

You never, ever hurt more than when your children hurt.

A bully is a bully no matter how you want to define him differently.

There is nothing like girlfriends. NOTHING. Especially the old ones, the ones with ten years of shared stories, the ones who tell you the truth. The ones who know should be in a sitcom with you.

A great man is still hard to find and I succeeded int that department.

Disney World is a happier place than I remembered.

Reconciliation is still a wonder to watch.

I still love yoga, especially hot yoga.

I am blessed with a job I love & feel I get to make a difference.

Sorry is always a powerful word. As is I love you, I've missed you, I was wrong, I am so grateful you are in my life.

I love how you get new friends you never saw coming.

I love a good travel adventures but home is still da bomb.

Four girls still blow me away. My little heroes.

There are worse addictions than quality TV,books, beauty products & home styling. Hello, my name is Merrile and I am an addict......

We miss the sameness when we focus on the differences.

I can still learn. Needlepoint or Pinterest anyone?

Life can throw lumps at me but do they destroy me? Define me? No. Here is to moving on to 50.

Cannot for the life of me work pinterest but I like....

I signed up for pinterest cause Little Beth told me to & I am way more tech savvy than her (sorry LB but I am) and I cannot for the life of me do it!!!! So here is what I would "pin":
Small indie movies- first I ever saw was "Ordinary People" & it is still my fav film of all time, but Lars & the Real Girl is a close second.

Broadway...don't even get me started.

Stray Dogs furniture & home goods.

Bond no. 9 Union Square perfume.

The real Union Square & ALL of NYC

Television done weel

Four girls who make me feel unworthy to be their mom

A man who makes me laugh & safe & still calls me baby doll

Friends who make the story of my life worth telling

A stone church

The Cosmetic Market

Dogs who lie at my feet, my head AND my tummy

Reconciliation

Forgiveness

Unlocked doors that neighborhood children just open

A board on my fridge with "we love the Strouds" written by various children visiting

The beach

Fall on Lookout

MOVIES

warm beds

So one day I'll pin it, but for now that will have to do.....

Learning from my girls on this side of the world.......

So jet lag kicked my butt from one day into the other. Nine full days of walking hell. I thought I was reasonably in shape and could recover quickly.....HA!

Big girl #3 recovered in one day....oh the sweetness of youth. This girl has taught me that being incredibly gifted with babies is a truly marvelous gift. To see your child's passion in action is humbling. She is also such a tender hearted cheerleader. I see her love on those younger girls and my heart smiles.

Big girl #2 has recently shown me that others' disappointments can be more painful than your own. I saw her more upset for friends than herself. I saw her take a higher road than I could in disappointment. Her big sis told me her sister takes care of so many people all day. She is a more mature winner & loser than I could ever hope to be.

Big girl #1 called to check on me after her sis had a bad day. She gets me & the dynamics in our home. She described me & her sister so expertly she could have been my therapist.

I never saw this stage of parenting coming. It does not get easier but sometimes there is a parting in the clouds....

Annabeth was here last night. There is something so completely soothing to having the same best friends for 35 years. We watch scary movies & she watches & tells me when I can look. She makes me laugh at the same thing every single time. She cheers for me & lets me be me. John Stroud was so glad she was here cause he left the reasoning & cheering up to her....and she is very gifted at that. I am blessed beyond measure....

So I went around the world to learn this????

I have been back from the other side of the world for a week. I am still jet lagged which makes my hands shake & my heart sad. Weepy mess still.

Today with a circle of sweet friends I recounted my tales from abroad. Michelle shared stories of poor children in Peru who bought candy to share. I shared the story of an American tot who screamed if you touched his Cheerios. Cute Betsy summed it up best,"I am that American kid. I don't want my stuff messed with."

Bingo. That is SO me. I am that kid. My big girls are having a rough week. I can't fix it. I got my feelings cut to the quick today by a friend. I am still feeling my way around my emotions about my trip. Don't mess with my Cheerios thank you very much.

I knew I liked control & order & being adored. Did it really take a trip to the other side of the planet & week full of re-entry hell to remind me. Yep. I think it did....