It's a bad day not a bad life & other pinterest wisdom

The year is ending. I think I have learned a lot this year. I have learned the amazing world of pinterest, needlepoint and letting some things just go.

I have a new house plan and all my weddings planned thanks to pinterest. I have cool Christmas gifts thanks to Miss Ann & her patient teaching. I have learned holding onto grudges is letting someone live rent free in my head & gut or as Sara says, "holding a hot coal in your hand while complaining that it hurts".

I prayed & longed to be less angry this year. What was given to me was this big idea: reconciliation & forgiveness, when sought & asked for by healthy people, is an incredibly beautiful thing. The people who seek this, matter, the people who do not, I need to release. Today....not tomorrow.

I started a gratitude journal. I need to be reminded cause I am super good at whining.

So here is to 2012. May we grow, pin away, stitch & love more....

Another year older...not so sure wiser

So I am officially in my late forties. My mother was a grandmother at my age. Whoa. Stop time. I have read the book One Thousand Gifts and it has made take stock of a year of lessons & blessings.

You never, ever hurt more than when your children hurt.

A bully is a bully no matter how you want to define him differently.

There is nothing like girlfriends. NOTHING. Especially the old ones, the ones with ten years of shared stories, the ones who tell you the truth. The ones who know should be in a sitcom with you.

A great man is still hard to find and I succeeded int that department.

Disney World is a happier place than I remembered.

Reconciliation is still a wonder to watch.

I still love yoga, especially hot yoga.

I am blessed with a job I love & feel I get to make a difference.

Sorry is always a powerful word. As is I love you, I've missed you, I was wrong, I am so grateful you are in my life.

I love how you get new friends you never saw coming.

I love a good travel adventures but home is still da bomb.

Four girls still blow me away. My little heroes.

There are worse addictions than quality TV,books, beauty products & home styling. Hello, my name is Merrile and I am an addict......

We miss the sameness when we focus on the differences.

I can still learn. Needlepoint or Pinterest anyone?

Life can throw lumps at me but do they destroy me? Define me? No. Here is to moving on to 50.

Cannot for the life of me work pinterest but I like....

I signed up for pinterest cause Little Beth told me to & I am way more tech savvy than her (sorry LB but I am) and I cannot for the life of me do it!!!! So here is what I would "pin":
Small indie movies- first I ever saw was "Ordinary People" & it is still my fav film of all time, but Lars & the Real Girl is a close second.

Broadway...don't even get me started.

Stray Dogs furniture & home goods.

Bond no. 9 Union Square perfume.

The real Union Square & ALL of NYC

Television done weel

Four girls who make me feel unworthy to be their mom

A man who makes me laugh & safe & still calls me baby doll

Friends who make the story of my life worth telling

A stone church

The Cosmetic Market

Dogs who lie at my feet, my head AND my tummy

Reconciliation

Forgiveness

Unlocked doors that neighborhood children just open

A board on my fridge with "we love the Strouds" written by various children visiting

The beach

Fall on Lookout

MOVIES

warm beds

So one day I'll pin it, but for now that will have to do.....

Learning from my girls on this side of the world.......

So jet lag kicked my butt from one day into the other. Nine full days of walking hell. I thought I was reasonably in shape and could recover quickly.....HA!

Big girl #3 recovered in one day....oh the sweetness of youth. This girl has taught me that being incredibly gifted with babies is a truly marvelous gift. To see your child's passion in action is humbling. She is also such a tender hearted cheerleader. I see her love on those younger girls and my heart smiles.

Big girl #2 has recently shown me that others' disappointments can be more painful than your own. I saw her more upset for friends than herself. I saw her take a higher road than I could in disappointment. Her big sis told me her sister takes care of so many people all day. She is a more mature winner & loser than I could ever hope to be.

Big girl #1 called to check on me after her sis had a bad day. She gets me & the dynamics in our home. She described me & her sister so expertly she could have been my therapist.

I never saw this stage of parenting coming. It does not get easier but sometimes there is a parting in the clouds....

Annabeth was here last night. There is something so completely soothing to having the same best friends for 35 years. We watch scary movies & she watches & tells me when I can look. She makes me laugh at the same thing every single time. She cheers for me & lets me be me. John Stroud was so glad she was here cause he left the reasoning & cheering up to her....and she is very gifted at that. I am blessed beyond measure....

So I went around the world to learn this????

I have been back from the other side of the world for a week. I am still jet lagged which makes my hands shake & my heart sad. Weepy mess still.

Today with a circle of sweet friends I recounted my tales from abroad. Michelle shared stories of poor children in Peru who bought candy to share. I shared the story of an American tot who screamed if you touched his Cheerios. Cute Betsy summed it up best,"I am that American kid. I don't want my stuff messed with."

Bingo. That is SO me. I am that kid. My big girls are having a rough week. I can't fix it. I got my feelings cut to the quick today by a friend. I am still feeling my way around my emotions about my trip. Don't mess with my Cheerios thank you very much.

I knew I liked control & order & being adored. Did it really take a trip to the other side of the planet & week full of re-entry hell to remind me. Yep. I think it did....

Malaysia here we come....

I have been a weepy mess lately. Having no uterus, it is hard to track when I am really hormonal or simply a raw bundle of emotion. I can track it starting a few weeks into Sweet Beth's departure. I know she is not dead but just in Texas but I miss her.

I went to Little Beth's house in Birmingham this week. It truly should be in a magazine. It is so stylish but the amazing thing is it is also so warm, inviting & comfortable. Which is no surprise to me cause that is how she makes everyone feel- comfortable. She has loved me at my worst & yet always fills my cup to the brim with her love & laughter.

I got to be with big girl #1 who has grown into the most beautiful & amazing woman. She is so fun, funny, smart & full of love. Baby girl could not stand waiting to leave on Friday cause her big sis was on the other end of the car ride.

Big girl/little girl #3 and I leave for Malaysia in a week. It is a mission trip to rock missionary babies. I am beginning to panic. It is a twenty-seven hour journey to the other side of the world. Tonight we went to a service at our church where our church FAMILY blessed our travel & trip. I began to weep over the people who showed, especially as vast majority were there for my baby, who overcome with emotion wept in front of our friends. We then heard our beloved pastor talk about her fame as a babysitter & use her vulnerability as the point of his message. I am still scared but here are facts these three events have sealed in my heart & mind:
1. I am blessed beyond measure- by my real family & my "extended" family.
2. I am loved by people who take time to be real & vulnerable, therefore I have safe places to land.
3. Malaysia whispers with promise & opportunity and because I am blessed to be loved well, I can rest in excitement.

Other side of the world, here we come......

Raw pain & cheerleaders

Lately I have seen several people in pain...real pain...raw pain....pain you cannot fix or smile and act as if everything is "fine" or "good". The complete codependent in me screams, "LET ME FIX IT OR AT LEAST HELP!!!". I can't. I know that. I think my loved friends know it. But somehow they trust me enough to sit the muck with them. That is holy, sacred ground. I will never take that lightly. Even if all I can do is utter how sorry I am, I am still honored to be there.

Big girl number two had a wreck two weeks ago. Car is totaled. Not her fault. But it could have ended so differently. Undid me two days AFTER the wreck. So thankful. The what if is always so scary....puts so much in perspective.

I cheered in junior & high school. Cheering taught me so much. Cheering really gets a bad rap. I love cheerleaders. Sweet Beth does that for me. Today I was exhausted. She cheered. She applauded. She encouraged me. She's not here but manages to do it over the phone. We need cheerleaders. Be one. Find one. Train one.

I like being a student AND teacher....

You would think I would know that by now...I loooooove teaching yoga (BIG love to my BCBS students) and loooove practicing yoga. But today was one of those rare perfect days.

My friend Kristy is a superhero. Big girl #1 wrote a paper in middle school on a person she admires & she chose Kristy. Kristy has a daughter with special needs & she parents Emma, Carter & Gordy with such grace, dignity & strength it is simply breathtaking. Her fiftieth birthday party was one of the BEST nights ever- all of us close to her got to toast the amazing woman she is. She hates attention so it was a rare, beautiful night.

Kristy is so smart. She educates me constantly in history & geography. She pushes me to read books I would never pick up. Yet she never,ever makes me feel stupid. Instead she makes me feel brilliant.

Kristy applauds my knowledge of a good eyeliner, movie or quick read book. She seeks my advice. Today I got to give her a tour of Target & school her in the Missoni phenomena. She took total delight in my "vast knowledge". I adore her.

Big girl #1 called to thank me for encouraging her to take her "second choice" soroity. She has found sisters who applaud her, who ask her to sing solos, ask her to speak & cheer her on at every turn. My heart is smiling.

Yes, teacher & student are great roles....I am truly blessed....

So it all comes down to this...

Last night we were having 8 people over for dinner. Twenty minutes before arrival time, big girl #2 was in a wreck. She is fine but it was a bad wreck. All our focus had been on clean the house & get her ready for the ACT. And it all changed.

John Stroud did not get home to help with last minute stuff. Big girl was obviously shaken. Funny. Multiple people in our community stopped to check on her. She felt the love, and some embarrassment.

We had a phenomenal night with our friends. Big girl saw all her daddy cared about was her, not a totaled car. Clean houses & well thought all plans can change instantly.

So it all comes down to this....gratitude.

For my girls....

I spent the night in Atlanta with my mom celebrating her birthday.  Several things hit me....you never stop being a mom.  Several times she told me things I should or should not be doing and I am approaching fifty. Several times she questioned how good or bad a mom she had been.  I get that.  I have this running savings account to pay for future therapy for my girls so when they need to tell a professional what I did they or their husbands will not have to pay for the therapist.

Big girl #1 is back at school.  She is set to assistant direct her first show.  She sees what she wants long term and is planning to get there.  I wish I had had her gumption, her poise, her wisdom.  She is this amazing woman who continues to surprise me and make me question how she is mine.  She is beautiful but her real beauty is her heart.

Big girl #2 is studying to take her ACT and raise her score by one point so any of her dream schools are not out of question.  She is set to become the next Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.  If you know her, you know she will.  She is my movie going buddy and I will miss her but I will stand in awe I am sure.

Little girl #2 is cheering and flipping and making us whoop it up at games every week.  Baby girl is navigating middle school and volleyball like the pro her sisters prepared her to be.

I will forever question the mom I am.  Did I say "I love you" enough?  Did I say "You are amazing" enough?  Life is tough these days.  Do they know that no matter if they win or lose I am still their biggest fan?

I know that happiness is not a flippant fly-by-night thing but a conscious decision so therefore their happiness is not my job and my happiness is ESPECIALLY not their job.  But I want them to know they are the highlight of my life.  I want them to know I love their dad and my life separate from them.  I fought for so many years to be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want them to fight.

I don't know if we ever sit and go "yeah I was a good mom".  I don't think I will.  This parenting thing does not get easier.  The highs get bigger but so do the lows.

Community & saying goodbye

I live in a community. A southern community at that. My urban friend Elizabeth shared an article with me by Allison Glock in Garden & Gun (which is a great magazine by the way). It is entitled "Southern Women". In it she says, "I want my children to know they belong to something bigger than themselves. That they are unique, but they are not alone. That there is continuity where they come from. Comfort too." I saw that in spades today. My community buried a beautiful nineteen year old girl. I sat in a church packed to the brim. Full of neighbors with different walks of faith, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different ages. It was the truest form of southern comfort.

A few years ago a friend shared an article by Anna Quindlen (an amazing author). She said, "I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.". Showing up is important. I sat among a throng today that showed up. I am blessed to have an intimate circle that continually shows up in my life. One of my fav films of all time "Lars & the Real Girl" has a pivotal scene where some women respond to Lars question of, "Shouldn't we be doing something?" with "We show up & we sit.". Showing up is important.

The people who show up in my life do so via phone, in person or handwritten notes. Showing up, really showing up, counts. I know my neighbors' names, details (perhaps too many, although I don't think so) of their lives. My children are being raised surrounded by this. They know they are special, unique but NEVER alone. Showing up counts. It makes a community...it changes lives....

Silence and my Abileen leaves....

Last Saturday I attended a conference called Soul Care. I found out from big girl #1 that it was really a silence retreat. If I had known that I would have not signed up!!! But I was in for a huge surprise. It was amazing. We do not have a culture that values silence and slowing down. I think I feared silence. What would I learn about myself? What would I learn about God? I left with a commitment to daily silence & totally slowing down. Funny how facing fears tears them down....

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." That is the great quote from the movie "The Help". I have had an Abileen in my life....sweet Beth. She moved to Houston yesterday. I know I have a cell phone,skpe,FaceTime,yada yada yada. But she is not 10 minutes away. She gave me the gift of fearlessness. She made me believe things about myself I never thought possible. My heart is heavy....

I am at the beach with John Stroud sans kids. We have been married twenty-three years. We so can do slow & laid back. I can sit on the beach for hours. He can ride a bike for hours. We can read in silence. We can see movies & eat good food together. We used to think we had to do EVERYTHING together. Being married this long has taught us the ebb & flow of being alone & supportive & together. I love being here with him....

Read The Help. Read Unbroken. Go see the movie with your Abileen & tell her/him you love them....

Some things cannot be faked....

What a ten days it has been. I went to see a friend in rehab. She opened her most private journal to me. There was light in her eyes and a glow to her skin. She is in recovery. Some things you cannot fake....

I saw "Midnight in Paris" and "Stupid Crazy Love". "Midnight" deals with denial of our present due to longing of our past. Been there. Check. "Stupid" deals with being yourself- your TRUE self. Been there. Check. Some things you cannot fake....

I am overwhelmed by melancholy. Sweet Beth leaves soon. There is something scary going on with a lot of teenagers around me. They are sad to their core. Somethings you just cannot fake...

There is a peace in the midst and for that my heart feels lighter...somethings you cannot fake....

I will do yours if you do mine....

We ended our stay cation with no kids by going to Hotlanta for a night. We had a perfect plan: arrive at lunch, eat, shop, workout, dinner out with Paramore & Jonathan, sleep late, Trader Joe's, bike ride, lunch, home.

Since John Stroud was being gracious to shop, I mapped out my exact locations & needs & showed him the list. Success!!!! We cruised through every stop & laughed & kissed & had a ball, plus he was able to take calls & do business.

Hotel was amazing & another priceline victory. We went to meet Paramore & Jonathan. Some idiot had said to John, "how sweet to have dinner with Merrile's gay friends". His response was "would you say that about her black friends? Her Asian friends? Her Buddhist friends?". John Stroud made a powerful comment, "Sometimes people are more afraid of their similarities than their differences.". How right he is!!!! The first 45 minutes the three men talked pharmaceuticals, drug stores & marketing. HELLO!!!! I got sooooooooo cute for these men!!!! They finally paid attention to me!

The bike ride....well it sucked. I have run two marathons, countless half marathons but 20 miles on a hot day and I am done on a bike. I have tried to love it because I love John Stroud and he does 100 mile races a lot but I hate it. HATE IT. he saw my pain today & I think we are done on bikes. It will be his boy only activity & I am so good with that.

I love that he and I both have things we love that are ours alone and not dependent on each other or our kids. I find it healthy that we find joy and our kids or each other are not responsible for our happiness. I love him, he is the best person I know but we need our differences.

I did his. He did mine. I won. Yeah me!

Quiet house loud mind

This is the week each summer every Stroud girl is at camp or on a church trip. It makes for the quietest house. Funny how a quiet house does not equal a quiet mind. There are several great things about this week: John Stroud & I have uninterrupted conversations, lots of take out, great wines, long yoga practices....funny how my mind is only quiet while I am at yoga. At home I replay "what if" scenarios- what if some sex trader tracks big girl in Spain or baby girl goes out too far in lake or big girl #2 & 3 sunburn....

I went home this weekend and my mom is still a mom. She did not want me to get sun because of skin cancer. Ummmmmm.....

My mind has been so cluttered since my dad's death. How long can that be my excuse??? I was headed to Starbucks today & I passed a man who was a double for my daddy. It took my breath away. Funny how it all rushes back.

I think I may go put in a movie & pour a glass....

Red lipstick girl....NOT

Last Saturday as I was in one of my happy places (aka Cosmetic Market) I decided I realllllllly wanted to be a red lipstick girl. Little girls & big girl number two & I were watching So You Think You Can Dance. One of our favs who is blonde just like moi had bright red lips. We all ooohed & ahhhed. So I set Carmen makeup artist extrodionaire to finding said red lipstick. Every single tube was tried. Alas, I look like a stranger or a little girl with her mom's lipstick. I am not a red lipstick girl.
This was a big aha moment. That is my problem. I wanna be red lipstick girl or girl who fill in the blank with any numerous things I come up with!
Sunday I heard this from The Message: Steep your life in God-reality,God-initiative, God-provisions. DON'T WORRY ABOUT MISSING OUT. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
So I won't wear red lipstick. Sweet Beth is still moving. Friends still have children in hospitals but maybe I need to steep my life somewhere else....while rocking this coral lipstick.

A mother on trial....

I have been obsessed by the Casey Anthony trial. My girls asked me why everyone is obsessed with this case. My answer was simple: mothers do not kill their children. On so many levels I ask questions. Why? How do her parents face they raised a monster? How can you harm a baby? My total disgust almost scared me. My sweet single friend tried to calm me by saying what a good mom I am and that is why I feel so strongly. I appreciate that but how do any of us REALLY know we are "good" parents????
I just read Emily Giffin's excellent book "Heart of the Matter" in one day. The main character states women know whose husband works more, who keeps house better, who throws better parties, whose kids are well-behaved,etc. She states we know & digest & discuss with other women. She wonders if we do this to make sure we are normal or we feel better about ourselves when others do less well. Thought provoking at least...
This past week as our church recreated a marketplace that Jesus would have walked through, it hit me that he walked FOR ME. Lately my funks have been all about comparison. I want to shout to my girls, "DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!YOU ARE SPECIAL & LACK FOR NOTHING!!!". We live in a culture of comparisons. Finding that comfort in our own skin is rare. I pray that for my girls.
Maybe We need to encourage & cheer for others.....

Rent, changes and laughter

I took my big girls to see "Rent". I always told them when they were seventeen inwould take them. Big girl tells the story of how at three everyone sang "the wheels on the bus" or whatever while she and big girl #2 sang "525,600 minutes....". Our beautiful friend Haley was in the production. She was amazing. Rent speaks to me because I miss the moments & I do not measure in love. I love a lot of times for attention & to be loved. That is not love. That is my pride.

Big girl is in Spain. She is there safely. She looks beautiful & happy. I still see sex traders in the background.....always a mommy.

Sweet Beth's husband is in Houston at a new job. My heart cries, it breaks. We went to a funny movie to laugh. I still cried. She makes my life fuller & better & easier & happier. I want this miracle that keeps her here. I have bargained with God. I have even tried "to be really good". I get that God does not work like that but I want my sweet Beth here,five minutes away at any minute. It feels like punishment. Do not tell me it is not. I get that but I hurt too much.

Rent got me listening to all my old musical music. There is a song from "Big, the musical" called "Stop Time". The mother is pleading for time to stop because every time she relishes in the age of her boy, he grows. Yep. Get that. Stop time. She has braces. She cares about clothes. She looks at NYC. She goes to Spain. Sweet Beth looks to Houston. No daddy at Father's Day. Stop time....525,600 minutes....

Aha moments, the Ritz and shared pain

FINALLY last Tuesday I dug my way out of my funk. Al-Anon is always a good start to funk killing. "The more I give thanks for my life as it is, the more I can accept the healing that allows me to change & grow. By recognizing & cultivating my abilities, I am increasing willing to let go." Wow. That was my funk's theme, song & verse. I was looking around at people I think are "too cool", "too hip", "too Christian", "too lberal" to include me. Kristin Chenowith (hear my "ohhh" as she is my fav Broadway voice) said in her memoir shoe was depressed for years because she was too liberal for Christian fans and too conservative for her liberal friends. Later that night, my AMAZING book club (The Hoot 'n Holler Club)had a fab meeting at my crack house AKA The Cosmetic Market. Having my cool CM buddies with my eclectic and laugh and feel beautiful was even more funk killing.

Funny thing is we are on a family vacation at a Ritz Carlton. The only reason our kids are here is we are on a huge wedding guest discount. It is funny how quickly we acclimate to the service and luxury and it is very "aha" to me how many diverse people fit in at the Ritz. Hmmmmm, there must be something to external comparison being a bad thing....

Shared pain is a powerful thing. I was open in sharing with safe people that I was in a funk. I have two heart friends who are going through big girl, full blown hard life stuff. My heart breaks. Anna Quinlan (cue ohhhhhh again) says we show up. Isn't that powerful? The great cinematic achievement says "we show up and sit". Here is to funk killing, no comapison, and showing up......

Beaches & waves of grief...

So I am at the beach house my daddy designed and built. Only the second time I have been here without him. I have baby girl and friend, number three girl and friend and my mom. Baby girl keeps mentioning being sad about my daddy. I am too. There will always be waves of grief at big events for my girls..and little events....everyday events.

I will miss the "what could have happened"... When does it get easier???

There is not a better sound than kids' laughing. It should be seriously a bottled drug. I would be an addict.

Lately I have been missing my second home- NYC. Second big girl and I were talking about being raised in NYC versus our little mountain community. We both mused how cool NYC would be but knew we loved the living in an area where we intimately know our neighbors & do not lock doors & can name six people who run to our rescue in any big or small "crisis". We decided we are ok with it being second home.

I love living on a mountain but the beach soothes me like clonopin. Speaks to my soul. Screams peace to my nerves.

Baby girl introduced John Stroud at 5th grade graduation. "Let me introduce you to my dad. He is a hard-working man at Chattem. He is a great biking buddy. He is a fun, cool dad. But most of all he is a man of the faith. Meet my dad John Stroud". That is it...him in a nutshell.
He is a gift...to me...to my girls.

Life flows in waves...happy...sad....hard...easy. Thankful I know there is always a low tide....

Summer lovin'

Big girl is home. She was home for three days and then off to beach with a campus ministry. Bless her heart, she no longer has a room here so her stuff is all spread out but it is interesting how quickly our family re-settles into a family of six again.

Started couponing to save for my car later this summer. It feels like a game & I am not quite a starter yet. Never bought a car by myself. My daddy bought me one as a senior in college & then John Stroud & I bought a couple. Big girl step for me.

As summer rolls in, people are in less clothes. I am thankful I have been binge and purge free for 22 years but some old tapes never die. I am a broad shouldered, thick chested woman. I will never be a lithe yoga looking girl. Most days I am thankful of what my body is capable of doing, other days I want skinnier arms, a collarbone & flat stomach. I want my girls to never,ever be trapped by any eating disorder & embrace their beautiful, healthy bodies. I think comparison is my big enemy. It takes my mind all kinds of places it does not need to go. Discontentment jumps on board quickly after I let comparisons in.....

John Stroud speaks at fifth grade graduation this week. The man is an incredible public speaker. He is a nervous wreck. He has practiced until I want to scream. He knows he will cry when baby girl introduces him. He will. She read her introduction to me. He is in trouble....

Movie reviews, non-budging eye liner & big girl home

Lately I saw s lot of movies. I just want to say GODD movies. Summer is coming so here is a list for you:
Soul Surfer- excellent for any kids 7 and up. Incredible inspiring story. True story os surfer losing arm to shark attack. Shark attack is brief & not intense. AMAZING. A+.

Madea's Big Happy Family- appropriate for 12 and up. Wonderful story of forgiveness & redemption. What we blame people for may not be the full story. B+.

Jumping the Broom- great date movie and for 14-15 and up. So good! Working class meets upper class but does our past or our current situation define us? A-.

Win Win- excellent film regarding stepping out for another human being, especially a surly teenager. Great to see with a 17 year old or up child. A+.

Smashbox makes this incredible water proof cream/gel eyeliner that stands up to hot yoga. Cosmetic Market sells it in Chattanooga. AMAZING-you have to have it for summer.

Big girl #1 is home. We have no room for her stuff now. Sad we have displaced her. Time keeps marching on. Hmmmmmmmm......

Mother pain sucks

Mother's Day Weekend....hmmmmmm. Drove to Birmingham to see big girl one in an amazing performance. Took my breath away. Met my mom to follow me back here to celebrate.

Both big girls have suffered disappointments & huts lately. The pain & anger I feel is indescribable. I did not know you could hurt so badly for another human. I just want to fix everything. God could they just be seven again....

Was so upset I text John Stroud and used the f word. Of course, the 14 year old had his phone. I will not live this down EVER.

Also did not have on my calendar that I was to work at Cosmetic Market today. Yep, an hour late & under dressed but I have to say did great bridal work I was proud to call mine.

This is not how I saw this weekend going down.....

Mono take two

So baby girl as mono which she caught from daughter number three. In the past week I have seen friends lose every earthly possession. I have walked in areas I would swear are movie sets. I have seen and heard stories I never thought would happen in my community.

It has made me take a lot of stock. What do I REALLY value? I mean REALLY. I have found I love my leisure, my space, and my schedule. Sick children interfere with that. Sounds harsh as a mom. Know big girl one & two will read this (love that big girl number one & friends claim to devour this blog). I hope they know I love them to the moon & back. But so much of motherhood has caught me by surprise....the depth of love I feel...the fierceness with which I protect....how quickly I can take people down to protect.....how easily I can plot the demise of bullies....the sheer exhaustion....the joy...the heartache.

I am a blessed woman. Make no mistake, I know it. I am passionate about my family & my part time job. I get paid to do something I am passionate about that I also believe changes lives. It gives me an identity outside my girls & John Stroud. I think this is good for the five of them because they will never be responsible for my fulfillment or happiness. I think it gives them freedom to live, breathe, dream, be apart from me knowing I support & applaud them but need not "grip" them. That is my hope at least....I have money saved for therapy in case I am wrong.

I am blessed with friends who know me to my core & still love me. One friend gave me a sign that hangs in my bedroom: My friends have made the story of my life. They have. Today alone, Paramore, Nancy & sweet Beth were on the phone, computer, in person. Annabeth continues to be my cheerleader. These are irreplaceables...I know I value.

If my "things" are gone am I ok? I have seen evidence of people this week with a knowledge of a living God that allows them to be ok. I have seen different walks of people bond together. I pray our nation does not forget the devastation here. But we all know, the news will fade but the rebuilding will not.

I want to get all my babies under one roof and squeeze them all. It can all change in a moment. Maybe being homebound with mono is not so bad....

A lot can happen in eight days & in Madea...

Eight days ago wonder daughter number three was diagnosed with mono. I realize it is mono, not some life-threatening illness, but selfishly it threw a wrench in my plans. Very quickly we both developed cabin fever. Even worse, she had to miss her class trip to Dollywood. Big tears. BIG deal.

Baby girl's birthday was two days after "the day" as we began to call it. We had planned a frozen yogurt party after a day of entire fifth grade eating lunch together & seeing "Soul Surfer". I have to be honest, I was dreading that movie. Don't ask why, can't even begin to answer. I honestly do not know. I usually love cheesy, good triumphs stories. I was blown away. I thought I knew the story, but here is a lesson I re-learned: when so down you see no way out, do something for someone else. See the movie. Take people you love.

Big girl surprised baby girl at party. Nothing, nothing, nothing like sisters. I was exhausted! Forgot to hand out the goodie bags I stressed over....

Saturday big girl and I took a Pure Barre class & ate Mojo. I love having children want to be with me. I then did Home Depot for the numerous projects that begin when there is light & I feel alive again. Then the big treat....Madea's Big Happy Family & aerial yoga. I love me some Tyler Perry & Madea. I love the whole forgiveness is not for the other person but for YOU themes. I want to have lunch with him soooooooo bad. If you ever see that contest, enter me please. Aerial yoga was being in the circus which brings up movie three...."Water for Elephants". Saw it with big girl & big girl number two who is looking at NYC & beyond schools. The non-reader of the book (big girl) loved. Me & Sal, we missed the nuances of the relationships. Sal says "Mommy, we are very sophisticated critics". Be sure and catch our upcoming critics corner.

Same Sal took me to see "Win Win". She is the bomb. Amazing movie.

Here is where am reeling....tornadoes touched down on both sides of my girls' school & John Stroud's workplace. I think I am entitled to hold on to things, grudges, control. God was screaming through all four movies & His creation.....there is a better way, I am not God, and I am blessed regardless of how I look at things. Got this call from my mom. Ever got a call that took your breath away because of the love & emotion of the other person? I did. I think I keep taking my eye off the real prize, the real message....may I listen more closely.....

I walk among heroes

This past weekend I had seven separate functions. They were all happy and fun but I have to be honest, in my gut I was saying, "ugh! No down time!". What a difference a weekend makes.

Friday night I got to swell with pride over daughter number three dancing her heart out in her musical. She was awesome!

Saturday night my beloved runner girl Kristy was turning 50. The hostess-with-the-mostest (ALWAYS) Andrea turned her pre- Civil War home into a fairyland of flowers and candles. Liz created a signature cocktail. Andrea wisely separated spouses and there was laughter and pure joy everywhere. Many of us took turns toasting Kristy. The running theme was her loyalty and how fun she is. Her hubby ended the night with a toast that summed up all of us who are fortunate to count Kristy as a heart friend know to be so true. He said he loved Kristy for a 100 reasons but one of the main ones was illustrated in a drab Hamilton County education building last week. Kristy & Gordon have a beautiful daughter Emma that has some rather serious disabilities. In a meeting to discuss Emma's education, Gordon hemmed & hawed until Kristy stepped in and explained Emma's needs & what needed to be done NOW. Gordon said pencils started moving and boxes were checked. She then went through every child in Emma's room & what they needed. When met by opposition, Kristy informed everyone she would provide transportation if the school did not. Gordon said Kristy did things that would never get her name on a plaque or a banquet in her honor but did the right things because that is her calling & her heart. She is equally passionate about all of us she loves. How amazing. How blessed.

Sunday, Nancy the beloved protective lioness, had a luncheon to honor her daughter joining the church. She read a sermon illustration a pastor had done based on Lord of the Rings. To know Nancy is to know she loooooooves Tolkien. The illustration was when one character (I am me,not Nancy the great Tolkien expert) goes to join forces with great king. When he finds him he is withered and small.nthe friend knows the nasty Wormwood has fed him lies so he takes his friend into the light and tells him the truth. She thanked us for being the truthful voices in her child's life. Yes, my cup runneth over. These are the people I run with.....I walk among greatness.....

Heroes near and far....

This has been the hardest entry yet. I guess because there are so many emotions flooding my heart. Last weekend John Stroud & I went to Chicago to say goodbye to Helen. Helen was about to turn ninety. John was miserable in his dorm in grad school. He ended up in Helen's house, in her heart, in her family. But that was Helen. She never made anyone feel less than treasured, loved, and special. Helen could have been a victim. A single mom caring for two gifted girls and one mentally challenged son, she put herself through grad school at forty-seven. She changed the lives of countless students at Northwestern. Her daughters told stories of her attending rainy Cubs games at eighty, racing their friends in the street, and always listening to them. Her granddaughter told stories of her jumping off high dives and making time capsules for her. Everyone mentioned her positivity, zest for life & love of people. I felt sorry for anyone at the service who did not know Helen. John told the story how he lost Helen's son Mark at a Cubs game & she didn't yell at him. She was amazing. These are the people who deserve our applause. I am so thankful I knew her & was loved by her.

Helen got me thinking about women and girls and heroes. She was one of my heroes...truly. It got me thinking about my big girls. Big girl one went to Chicago on school trip. She fed the homeless & loved on the outcast lesbian girls at an inner city high school. Big girl number two is looking at schools in NYC to pursue a dream. Fearlessness! Are they mine? I don't know somedays....

A friend in our church has been battling a life-threatening illness. I have been so blown away by the groups of people from different faiths and walks of life coming together to support this family & each other. I love it when we are pleasantly surprised by people.

I started an herb garden today. Another new thing. Trying to surprise myself. Precious Lizzy next door told me she wanted pretty flowers like mine :). Life is nothing if not surprising...

Book clubs & wilsons

So last night was book club. We toasted our third anniversary and glanced in amazement the 36 books we have read. It is the most diverse, fun, smart, funny group of women that I have the honor to call my friends. One member shared it was her first foray into socializing after a divorce & how therapeutic it had been. One member mentioned it was the most accepting group she had ever known because everyone speaks their mind without fear of reproach.

Elizabeth the urban hipster extraordinaire has shared this amazing blog: myjourneytoperfectionlol.blogspot.com. The blog from yesterday was on "Wilsons" in our lives based on Wilson the volleyball in "Cast Away" with Tom Hanks. I,too, am so thankful for my "Wisons". Today as I write I sit waiting on Nancy the protector. Thankful I know she always has my back. Thankful she speaks truth. Thankful that she is often quite & measures her words. I pray often for my girls' friend choices.....may they have "Wilsons"....

Life really is better in community....with "Wilsons" especially...

'byes, babies & bike rides

This weekend John Stroud & I will fly to chicago to say good bye to a dear friend, Helen Palmer. When John was at Northwestern in graduate school, he hated his dorm. He checked the bulletin boards and found a room in Helen's home. Helen and her son Mark quickly became John's Chicago family. Helen was one of his heroes almost instantly & Mark his fast "buddy". Helen chose to raise three amazing kids after a husband left...Mark with developmental issues. She could have been a victim...she was instead our hero. She loved John well...but she lived all people well. She taught me to make chicken marabella..it is still my go-to company dish. You felt warm & almost glow-y with Helen. In our wedding pictures, she is the biggest smiler & thrower of rose petals. We will miss her so...

Held babies for two hours today. Pure therapy. Miss Doris who potty trained my girls commented how fast they are gone. They are. A blink. A glance. A wish. A prayer. One baby, the amazing Hank, was soothed by rounds of Jesus Loves Me and the Auburn fight song. He slept in my arms. Truly better than Xanax. MC's baby comes August....babies....

Bye to big girl today. See her at Easter but still hard to release. Spain is happening & I am sorta crumbling....sorta.

First big girl hour long bike rIde around mountain with John & neighbor Zach. Think it was John's idea so I would not yell or swear. I did love it. I could see it being addictive. Ok, he was right....

How ImportantbIs It?

As I have said before I love Tuesdays because it is al-anon day. I really think the world would be so much better if we all went to al-anon. Yesterday was my turn to lead and I chose to focus on a slogan "How Important Is It?".

Some highlights: If an issue isn't going to be important in 30 days, then it is probably not worth my trouble now. Also, How easily do I give my serenity away? And finally, Why do I so easily allow my feelings to get hurt? "It occurs to me that my extreme sensitivity is a form of self-conceit. I think I am the focus of everyone's actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to with me?" WHOA!

This morning I am sitting with a dear friend as her husband has prostate cancer surgery. How important is it? The little hurt from a friend, the number on the BPF (don't even ask) that won't move, the mess in my kitchen versus cancer surgery.....how Important is it?????

fav $14 nail polish, fav urban hipster, and cancer sucks

I swore I would never pay $14 for a nail polish but my fellow cosmetic addict Victoria told me I had to try this butter nail polish from London. Truly Victoria is an equal when it comes to cosmetic addiction...we need a support group..."Hi I am Merrile and I am a cosmetic whore." I did splurge and bought this amazing coral (biggest color for spring 2011) called Jaffa. It is the perfect shade and I sweat it lasts a week (even in NYC!) without chipping. Chattanoogans you can grab it at the Cosmetic Market. LOOOOOOOOOVE.

While in NYC, we were blessed to spend several hours with my fav urban hipster Elizabeth. I really feel like she is my younger, cooler, hipper sister since her real mom is my adopted mom Tucker. Elizabeth has this way of making you feel loved, special, smart, and cool. She is the person big girls 1 and 2 say they want to look like when they grow up. For all of you wondering if this hurts my feelings, hell to the no, I wanna look like her!!! She just wraps you in the warmth of her stories, her laughter and her love and you feel like you have taken a deep breath in yoga. She would be near Sal if she went to NYU and that makes me relax a little. LOOOOOOOOOOVE.

When I was growing up I spent a minimum of 3 nights a month at my bff Annabeth's house. Her mom Ellie was the bomb as was her daddy Larry. It was my happy place. Tacos, fried corn, and homemade chocolate chip cookies (no butter-add crisco). Ellie was almost at her five year mark for lung cancer. She had surgery Friday, ironically by my dadddy's surgeon. It is cancer but they think they got it all. Ellie made my childhood happy. I want to know this is over for her. I NEED her to be well. My daddy died on 10/11/11. I have attended three funerals since. Ellie is nowhere near death but I want her well...Annabeth needs her well. She is just this amazing light in my life and has been shining in my life for 34 years. LOOOOOOOVE her.

It is always funny to me when you say "never". Never would buy that nail polish. Never would have anything in common with that person (smarty pants Annabeth). Never would see cancer in my life. Never is a funny thing...

heroes, big girls, and second homes

A few friends asked why I had not told some of the stories about why John Stroud is one of my heroes. The amazing Sally the 17 year old big girl, reminded me about it the last night we were in my second home, NYC.

Seven years ago, John was comfortable at his job. Our lives were full of all we thought we wanted and hoped our life could be. Suddenly his company was moving to Dallas. We went to visit. We visited the church our pastor suggested, we visited a school, we looked at houses. It was scary. Most of all it was scary because our girls were so happy. They had friends and loved our community and our church and their school. Dallas was very cosmopolitan and fast and not our girls' current existence. John made the hard decision to take a severance package and find a new job. Everyone acts like I was brave also. I was not brave, I had John Stroud in my corner. Our girls were overjoyed. John Stroud then was happy to take a job making less than he made coming out of grad school. I really do not know any men who take steps down in life. He did it so happily to keep his girls here in their community. He has since risen through the ranks and been promoted to a level worthy of his character. The other thing is he chose to really grow as a man and get to know me and his girls and make our family the amazing place it is. Men are attached to their titles and what they do, John Stroud decided to make US the priority. Love him. Admire him. He is the best. Just one story for now...

So big girl Sal is looking at NYC as a real possibility for school. Big girl Anna is going to Spain for summer. I always wanted this for them...at 6...at 12...but now....it sucks. I worry about being sold to sex trade (seen "Taken" lately?), or going home with wrong crowd, or leaving us for good. I love them. Who knew mommy love before they experienced it? It is all encompassing. My mom was with me & Sal on NYC trip. She still worries about me. I chose to walk home from my play the last night on our trip. It was a beautiful night. NYC is alive at 10:40 at night. It is beautiful and a 30 minute walk sounded so great. It scared her. I found it crazy but then it hit me...I am HER baby. Which makes me think, I always wanted to go to NYC to live. Is this Sal's dream? Is it mine? Is Spain great because ANna wants it or on some level do I want their dreams to match mine? Whoa. That is a lot to think about. I want the best for them right? OR do I want big dreams for both of us?

I do feel NYC is my second home. One summer I am gonna rent an apartment and live there. Don't know when but soon....People tell me all the time I should always start a business of doing NYC tours. Sounds great but could I do it for $ when doing it for love of my big girl and my mom is trying enough? Maybe....if the price is right....

Serenity & choices & voices

I love Tuesdays. It is al-anon day which means I always get new wisdom & am reminded of old. Old: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. New: Even when someone else's choices do not include me (ouch! That always hurts!), I can still CHOOSE to love BOTH of us by letting go & letting God loosen the ties that BIND ME to sadness & frustration. Wow. Yeah, read it again.

I looooooove that quote in "The King's Sppech". "You have a voice. It deserves to be heard. Find a friend to hear it." Cool new friend Julie told me today my voice makes her smile. This made me smile. I have struggled to find that voice. This was a happy.

Expectations are preconceived resentments. Another al-anon gem. Been thinking about that. Planned this trip for Sal & my mon & I need to not EXPECT them to react to all my hard work a certain way. Whoa. Yep...one day at a time....

Style & growing old

Thie weekend was busy. Middle girl at 13 made cheer....yeah Tay! Went to help Annabeth as she recovers from rotator cuff surgery. On Friday it was my job to remove dressing & clean area. She was oh so cavalier and suggested she just stand by sofa & I just rip it off. Me, the more experienced post-op girl suggested sitting. Soon she saw why...she got faint. Revealing new wounds takes you down & fast. I snickered slightly inwardly at my vast knowledge. I also snickered at this glimpse of us to come in our golden years caring for each other. My heart smiled. We have done this for 34 years & will continue for many more...

Worked at the crack I mean Cosmetic Market. Eight and a half hours on my feet but the joy of seeing how the simple act of makeup transforms...lifts...lightens....a small but powerful thing.


Amazing Kim came and further shopped & organized my closet. She made me see things in such a way I may not have to buy clothes for a year! She has this gift for reading a person & their personality & styling their clothes to match that. Really inspiring....

Funny how old friends and new style really are warm & fuzzy...

Beth cubed (or silver & gold part 2)

Thanks to Johnny for the inspiration for the title today. When he was visiting us, he called baby girl Beebe b squared :). So cute.

I am in Nashville at Annabeth's. I have heard it said you never forget the first time you meet people who will change your life. I met Annabeth the first day of sixth grade. She had on this shirt that said "Beth" on it that was spelled out with people bending into letter shapes. She said her sister had made it. I always wanted a sister and I wanted boobs which she already had.

On the way over here I was listening to old music I had been downloading. I kept listening to the Indigo Girls. John Stroud and I used to go hear them in dive bars before they were big. I bought my first cassette of their music from them directly. It was about the only cool thing we ever did as a dating couple.

Closer to Fine is the story of the three Beths in my life.

"The best thing you ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously".... I was the perfect child...never step out of the box. Annabeth made me Oreo cars, laugh at myself, and laugh at life in general. She brought such loud laughter into my life. She plastered red lipstick on me before leaving the church after I married John with her requisite "you will thank me one day" response. I will thank her for everything til the day I die.

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that' hard to hear". When I was in college, darkness overcame me my first year. Enter Little Beth. All 4'10" of her body loved me & taught me not to give into the darkness but listen for the light. Saved me in many ways. She is the most mature & kind person. Always has been.

"I wrap my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it. I'm crawling on YOUR shores". My big girl has had the same bff for years. Five years ago her friend's mom, Sweet Beth, came into my life. She has walked with me as I cast off fear and let me have a safe place to land. Safety. Sweetness. Freedom.

"Closer to Fine" is repeated over and over. My friend Nancy has been in my life for 12 years. Her big girl bit my number 3 baby and we have been buds since. She is a fierce lioness who always makes sure I am "fine".

One is silver...the other gold...closer to fine.....

There is no little grief....

Two musings on grief today...

I had lunch with an old,dear friend today. We have raised our babies together. We have laughed together, cried together, made many memories. It was gray outside...we were a little gray. I was struck by how easy it is to be in a funk with an old friend. Gray felt more comfortable in her prescence....no shame, no judgment, just safe.

Baby girl and I were at drama club. Temporary Home was playing. The verse about the man dying in the hospital started. My eleven year old nuzzled into my chest and began to weep. My daddy adored her & she adored him. They were best buds. Her grief swept over me. I could only remind her how much Pockey loved her & how safe he is.

No little grief...

One is silver and the other gold....

Big girl brought home two new college friends last night. They are adorable & I am thankful she continues to make great friend choices. She did usher me out of their movie party telling me I talk way too much but then also telling me she loves me. Whoa! It hit me.....she is moving on! It also got me thinking about that sappy song about old friends & new friends....

One of the friends Anna brought home last night will be her roommate next year. Her daddy was a fraternity brother of my beloved Paramore so it really got me thinking about him & Cath my college roommate.

I met Cath in my one math class at Auburn & immediately wanted to be her friend cause she was so dang cute!!! We ended up being fast friends & little sisters at the same fraternity & eventually roommates. The real deal about Cath is she is the most talented artists I personally know & when she loves you,it is a fierce,protective love. When I write everyday I sit in a chair looking directly at an etching she did of a little pony-tailed girl staring at the ocean wrapped in a towel. It may be my favorite piece I own. I can she this little girl longs to go conquer the waves one more time but is clinging to the warmth of her towel. Go? Do it? Stay warm? Stay safe? Venture on? Gosh! It is so what life is to me. Cath is physically so beautiful. God has called her to be single. Once again, God did not ask for my help. There are days when I secretly long for her life...when I am spent with the demands of little & big girls. Then there are days when someone snuggles up to you on the sofa & just stays. Here is the deal...Cath never complains, leads an incredibly full life & is the world's best aunt. She rocks....and she is my friend. I love her so bad....

I met Paramore the first day of college walking to class with our mutual friend. He had a smile that made me want sunglasses & made me laugh so hard my body quaked. We both made War Eagle Girls & Plainsmen (big deal if you did not go to Auburn). He also became student government VP. Once we made WEGP, we were together a lot. I was a complete mess by this time. I was the hamster on the wheel....who could I please,what did my parents think,what could I achieve so I could feel alright about myself. That group, and especially Paramore, became my safety net. I had never been loved and accepted by a more electic,successful,amazing group of people. Paramore walked me through some dark times & eventually we would date. We have different stories regarding the full romantic nature of this but of course, I am right. We talked on the phone or in person everyday. He quickly became my heart's friend. Months into this whatever relationship, he told me he could not see me or spend time with me anymore. My recollection is it was said in an angry tone of voice & right after a kiss. Not wasting your time with his memory because I did not drink in college. Of course he did.

My heart was broken. Much more over the fact that I would not have him in my life everyday. I missed my happy heart that he created. Weeks later..yep weeks not days....he picked me up for ice cream and told me he did not know what would ever happen with us romantically but we would be in each other's lives forever. My heart exploded....it was so overjoyed. We went on to make amazing memories together...Tina Turner...New Year's Eve...Cotton Bowl. He one time placed a "desperately seeking" ad in the AU newspaper cause I loved Madonna & we had seen her movie.I had a safe place with Paramore. He saw through me but loved me. He was the one person who ever confronted me regarding my eating disorder...through me but loved.

He would leave me at Auburn to go to his first job. He would criticize my romantic choices and keep me in check with weekly phone calls. He was in Atlanta & I missed him. The short version is we went through a bad phase were he questioned our romantic relationship. It wasn't a pretty time but he apologized & got us back on track.

Ok,so the Reader's Digest Condensed Version is I would have married him. He gave me no choice. He was so cute & made me see how stupid all my other romantic choices were, he made me laugh, he kept me safe, he made me feel loved. He knew I would have. He put some distance between us to protect me, to do the ultimate act of love. I met the love of my life and did marry him.

Here is the heart of the heart...Paramore would come out within my first year of marriage. He could have used me. I would have been a good cover wife. We would have laughed & made others laugh...we would have presented well. He knew I would have said yes...not because of some great physical,chemical,romance but because of our deep friendship & love for each other. He did the ultimate loving thing...he stepped back for a while. When I see Brokeback Mountain I weep. The first time I saw it, I called Paramore sobbing so badly he left a meeting to talk to me. The scene where Michelle Williams sees Heath Ledger with Jake Gyllenhal and knows,KNOWS undid me. It would have been my story & the one person who would have benefitted from it being my story chose to protect me.

When Paramore's truth came out, I told him he would never be out of our famiy's life. My children adore him. His partner Jonathan is the best person you could hope to know.

John & I would probably be portrayed by our media as right wing, born again Christians. We are Christians but not militant right wingers. Paramore & his friends would be portrayed as left wing promiscuous gay rights proponents. They are so not. At a party at his house years ago one of his friends said a very profound statement, "if we had a party with all your friends and all of ours we could find so much common ground". Wow. John & I made a decision early on that we would not raise homophobic kids. I am so thankful Paramore has embraced my kids & loved them well. Funny side note, Sally at eight asked John why all of Paramore's friends were so pretty. I think it is sad that our current political environment is not conducive to sitting down and finding common goals & solutions....just saying....

We did meet criticism for our no-homophobic-kids policy. One lovely fellow church member in Birmingham said it was our Christian duty to raise homophones. Seriously??? My logical response is relationship always trumps belief systems when it comes to fellow human beings. We have family members who would not attend a fellow family member's reception because champagne was served. Seriously???

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. As cheesey as it is, the song does not say which is silver and which is gold.

My life is richer,fuller,happier....my kids's lives are also. Silver...gold.....gotta love both....

God's faithfulness, friends & crack houses

Thursday are Bible Study Fellowship days (BSF in church speak). Thought I camped on today: Our confidence does not lie in our faithfulness to God, but in HIS great faithfulness to us. This is the dark spot in my heart...get ready.....turn on some bright lights.....I sometimes think God is lucky to have me on His team. Ouch! S-I-C-K!!! Me in all my brokenness thinks God is lucky. C-R-A-Z-Y! I am amazed at how faithful he remains to me in midst if my stuff!

I have had the same best friend since I was twelve. We have been BFF's for 34 years (yeah quick do the math- I am old). Her precious daddy loves to tell the story how she came home in sixth grade and exclaimed, "I hate that Merrile Phillips! She thinks she is so smart!". Then two weeks later he couldn't get us off the phone. She makes my heart smile. We love the same things yet are different. Yep, we "complete each other". She is having a rotator cuff repaired next week. She has never had surgery...me,had lots. She is nervous. I tell her just get past the IV. (cannot do anything that involves my veins). But here is the heart of the heart, she makes my world so much better, sweeter, richer. Just like when Tucker had surgery, I start to tense up. She has a part of my heart. I never could imagine life without John Stroud but I also could never imagine life without my girlfriends. There are some parts of life only my girlfriends can get & reason through with me. She will be fine I know but my heart will be a little nervous until I know she is in recovery. Of course, since God is so lucky to have me, He will be all over it that day (read the heavy sarcasm please).

I think it is only fair to tell you why I am so fortunate to have my wonderful part time job at the Cosmetic Market. I was such a loyal customer, I was on the top 10 customer list & there so often my friends called it my "crack house". Yep. True story. John Stroud said if I never made money there the discount alone was payment. Sad but true. And my make up is always clean and organized....wish all my cabinets were. Funny how OCD I am about somethings and so not about others. Well I am happily enjoying the "crack house".....think you need to be an addict too.

Big girl brings home college friends this weekend....baby girl spends night at a friend's house.....how did I get here in the blink of one sleep....

Wax museums, Spain & NYC

Today was the Wax Museum at my fifth graders school. It is the sweetest, cutest thing. The kids read a biography & do a poster presentation, dress as the person & memorize a one minute speech to recite when a person pushes the button and brings them "to life". As I walked in there were signs saying "Welcome to the 22nd Annual Wax Museum". My three older girls have all done this. As I walked into the gym, I started to cry. We leave the elementary school this year. I love this elementary school. No more babies.

My biggest girl was excepted into a program in Spain this summer. Always said I would encourage travel & study abroad. It was great in theory...sucks in reality. Number two daughter is seriously looking at schools in NYC. Great in theory...sucks in reality. I am thankful for Max, Mac & Carter.....my adopted "babies".....really thankful MC is pregnant so I can have another baby.

I love my Tucker. She is my adopted "mom". I truly love her like she is my real mom. She tried so kindly and sweetly to tell me to enjoy "the babies". I had four in seven years. I was surviving. I did not take it all in & enjoy. I said ugly things to Tucker in my head.

Hear me now....survival & diapers last a moment...now they are applying for passports & schools far away & going to middle school. A moment...a blink of an eye...a blur...a breath. Get help if you have to....anyone can fold laundry....no one can drink in every moment of a baby. One moment I can fix everything with a bandaid & a kiss. All of the sudden the problems are big & real life. I miss diapers & bandages somedays.....drink it in friends....

Closed doors & opened windows

I think it is probably only fair to say why I lobe the Oscars so much. Yes my parents loved the arts- all kinds but this is embarassing so here goes....I wanted to be a movie star. Yep. I did. I grew up and got a little wiser and thought I could not make it in film but I could be Jane Pauley on the Today Show.

Worked hard at Auburn (War Eagle!) and thought I might could get into graduate school at Northwestern where Jane went. To make me go on a blind date with someone, my mom said ,"he went to Northwester". She did not even know said man, he was the son of a friend. I went. C+ date at best. He asked to call me at school that week. He did. A+ date. I told my daddy I was gonna marry him. Close door on Northwestern. Open door on marriage.

I struggled with a severe eating disorder in college. I was an open walking wound. It resurfaced big time six months into our marriage as did the deepest, most suicidal depression. I ended up in the hospital. Do not play the "our first year of marriage sucked" game with us. We always win. Close door on happy,perfect marriage. Open door on brokenness and healing.

The type of eating disorder I had should have made me infertile. Close door on great fear. Open door on four amazing young girls.

Years of God healing wound after wound. Great therapy. Great doctors. Close door on gaping hole in soul. Open door on wholeness.

Just so you realize God is not finished here, he never is this side of heaven....I still struggle with wanting every human being to looooooove me & approve of me. I over-personalize a lot & have way too strong a sense of justice for everyone but me & John & my girls. Recent example...I became a runner in 2001 because be love Kristy got a running group up with the amazing Liz & Andrea. We started with 10k's and worked our way up to a full 26.2 marathon. I loved running...I love those women more. In 2009 I had to have my entire bladder support system rebuilt due to my past abuse from the eating disorder. Close door on running. Open door on yoga.

I set out to be a yoga rock star. I was gonna be the bomb. I trained, I took seminars, gave up weeks of time. There was no room at inn at the time I was coming along but there was this opportunity to teach classes at blue cross blue shield. I jumped on that, anxious to start. I did not know that those classes and those beautiful people would become the greatest job in my 23 year fitness career history. Close door on a rock star with a mic. Open window on pure blessing.

Life is never easy but I am thankful His window opening power is always evident to me.

Oscar Night & spring makeup!!!

I love Oscar night. My mom used to pop popcorn & let me stay up until I fell asleep on the sofa....so I am gonna guess I have not missed an Oscar night since 1971. Each year I cram as many movies in as possible so I can see all nominated movies & performances. (Thanks Beth,MC,John, and Catherine cause I usually end up going all alone!)

I have not been this excited in a long time. Why you ask? I thought between The Fighter, The King's Speech & True Grit there were movies that told stories & had a value based message. Of course there were the usual how-far-can-we-push-the-envelope-over-the-edge-movies. (In my humble opinion, The Black Swan, Blue Valentine on some level & The Kids are Alright on some level). I have seen The King's Speech twice & insist you see it. For older kids, I say take them. There is language, but appropriate to story & such a beautiful story of loyalty. Really, see all those films.

I love Colin Firth. Cannot stand Christian Bale as a human but he so deserved that win. And loved his speech. I did not want Natalie Portman to win. I feel she lost weight, got naked and bam, got an Oscar. If you are gonna give it to the naked (or nekked if you are from lower Alabama), give it to Michelle Williams who acted her,well you get the picture,off. Melissa Leo so deserved her win.

I am re-watching to fairly judge Anne Hathaway/James Franco. Loved opening but thought jokes dragged.

Now onto the important stuff....fashion & hair & makeup. At first, I did not love Cate Blanchett's dress but LOVED her hair and makeup. On second viewing, I fell in love with it. The color, the cut, the sleeves.....mmmmmmmmmmm. Loved Gyneth's dress but do not love skinny stick straight hair. Thought Reese hit it out of the park. Loved the soft eyes,cat eyes & soft or nude lips. Spring makeup is so pretty this year. If in Chattavegas, come see me at Cosmetic Market.


Finally, looooooved Tom Hopper's acceptance speech. Here is to movie mommies everywhere....

Oscars and angst

This is usually one of my favorite weekends of the year. I spend two months cramming in as many movies as I can. I try to see every nominated movie & performance. I was especially excited this year because I feel like The King's Speech & The Fighter have so much of value to say. I love movies & Broadway so Oscar & Tony nights are big to me. I realize I am making a choice to let something eat my lunch. Yes, that is good Al-Anon speak. One of my girls has been mistreated & I feel a little unsettled. I am so thankful again that I am married to John Stroud & can let him handle things because I am a volcano. So I am gonna listen to some music, get in the tub & get Red Carpet Ready. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Monday I will have full Oscar recap & next week Sally & I are going to tell the one-of-the-many-reasons-John-Stroud-is-our-hero-stories.

God,products, and six-year-old hugs

Today was Bible Study Fellowship. Greatest quote of day, "We are our greatest 'idols' but God loves us amongst our sick love of ourselves". Whoa!!! Ok, so blogging probably fuels my 'idol'. The other great reoccurring theme was God never forsakes...never.

My current favorite products are all available at the Cosmetic Market (great local boutiques in Tennessee & also online). I am loving Therapy Systems (Gwyenth's fav) Better Than Lips. It looks like chapstick with a bandaid on it. It is not just that is works but it makes me about my daddy. He passed away October 11th and I never saw him without a chapstick. He had the cutest way of taking the cap off and applying with one hand. My other fav is Stila illuminating makeup- like being in candlelight! The final one is the eye brightened pencil in shell by Trish McEvoy- in the corner of my eyes it adds four hours of sleep- seriously!

My girls are now 19,17,13, and 11. It used to make me so mad when "older" moms would tell me, "Just you wait, they will be gone in a minute". Then one of mine left. I always dreamed of four girls but I am also dreaming of grandsons. Max,Mac & Carter have a bit of my heart. Went to pick up Carter (6) today and I was barely out of the car & he was running towards me screaming "Miss Merrile!!!" and throwing his arms around me. Therapy...instantly.

Yes, this is my home

I had been binging on yoga for about four weeks and then I purged and laid off for about two weeks with work and the NYC kiddo trip. Today I went back. Amazing Lisa taught and all I can say is yes, this is home. It had become just exercise & today I found the joy, the sweat, the ahhhhhhhhhh.... Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder but I am not going away anytime soon..... Cue music, home, this is my home....

Home, this is my home?

So it was four days in NYC. Four days sounded so long yet when so quickly. It is interesting to do NYC with 16-18 year olds that do not belong to you. What about the times they don't fall in love with the MoMA like you? What about the times when you realize a young man named Matthew and a young girl named Abby become two of your heroes? It is different...
I love NYC. It is my second city for so many reasons. I fell in love again with the East Village & meatpacking industry. There is a tiny Christian Louboutin boutique with no prices on the shoes that are works of art. Elizabeth took me to Pastis for brunch & it is all you see in celebrity rags. Seeing Wicked with Meghan & Beth is powerful. Everyone should seriously see Wicked. Seeing Billy Elliott with MC is all it should be.
Coming home to the superhero John Stroud & Stroud girls is always so sweet. Still leaving NYC is leaving a part of me. The smells, the food, the people, the art, the subway, the energy, the lights....it whispers to me all the way down south.
On the home front, I have seen all performances & movies except 127 hours (just couldn't go there). I am puling for Colin Firth, The King's Speech, Melissa Leo, Christian Bale. I really thought it was a good year for movies. My loves: The King's Speech, The Fighter, True Grit, Despicable Me.
Product love tomorrow....